Alien vs. Debbie: An Erotic Adventure

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This Freaky Friday edition is about a short story I read last year and is hands down one of the best alien smuts I have EVER read. First of all, look at this glorious cover:

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It’s written by someone named Emma Steele, and she doesn’t have a whole lot of titles under this name. Unfortunately. This had humor, was well-written, and just flipping ROCKED. Here is my review from Goodreads.

My name is Debbie Archer. I’m 50 feet tall and I can’t get enough of the monster peen. But being so tall, regular peen just isn’t realistic for me anymore. So I had to go and screw Godzilla, and it was AMAZING. It even activated my kundalini and my chakras got all tuned up! Then, I got sucked through a wormhole and somehow ended up regular sized again, on a ship in 1987 with… Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, and Veronica Cartwright?!?!

Debbie: To top that off, they tell me they have a mission to capture all these TV aliens in space that somehow really exist because of complicated science reasons I don’t really understand – and then they show me where they’ve got them all locked up, so of course, after I screw the humans, I end up doing the aliens! ALF was there, some reptilian from Star Trek, Mork from Mork & Mindy, the Great Magoo, and some others … but these guys made the biggest impression…

Yep, I did them both. And loved it!

He’s got a three inch peen!

See that glowing finger? Well, it’s HOT, literally, and he likes to stick it places. The perv.

Anyway, I’m insatiable, and unstoppable, just like the Sia song! You’ll have to read it for yourself to find out what happens after the Xenomorph from Aliens shoots his creature sauce all over the spaceship (hint: that shizz eats through everything but diamonds). I have to go now because I see someone – something? – else I need to have sex with! Byeeee!

Me: Thanks Debbie, I’m sure everyone will want to read your story now!

So, I’m not sure if this is some bizarre version of fan fiction?

Whatever it is, I thought it was great. This really appealed to my inner sci-fi geek, as well as being hilarious. This was actually written very well and incorporates a lot of fun sci-fi theories and fantastic satire. This may be the best monster porn/smut I’ve ever read. It was gross, but so over the top, I just laughed.

I don’t usually give monster porn five stars (or even rate it usually because, while it satisfies my bizarre and twisted cravings, they are not usually all that). But this one? This one, my friends, is how it’s done. Take notes, authors of niche erotica, because this, for what it is, is freaking BRILLIANT! Yep, I’m going there. This was hilarious and awesome!

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Until next time: stay freaky.

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A June Wrap Up by The Chronic Procrastinator

Even though I’m fairly new to the world of blogging and really new to these monthly wrap-ups (this will make number 2), I’m really digging them. It takes some of the pressure off having to post a substantial review for every single thing that I’ve read/watched/played for the month. ‘Cause honestly, sometimes I just want to go “Fuck it,” and give only a star rating with no explanation why. And this monthly platform allows me to do (almost) just that. It’s pretty flipping fantastic if you ask me. Not only that, I also really love reading what everyone else has been up to for the month…though some of you super readers put my meager book counts to shame. Don’t worry, though, I got nothing but love for ya!

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So, what have I been up to you ask?

Or maybe you didn’t.

If you didn’t, well you should have. And if you did, then I think you’ll be please because you’re about to find out.  Either way, you’ll have to deal because I’m about to answer my own question.

Over at our always awesome MacHalo home group we decided to forgo the traditional BotM this summer and opted to do Summer Theme months instead. ‘Cause we’re cool and can do stuff like that.

Can you guess what we did for June?

Can you?

Come on, just try (we’re a pretty transparent group)….

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Well, if you guessed Alien Lurve then you’d be correct my ever faithful blog follower! Sheesh, it’s like you know us too well.

Yes, we decided to read alien/scifi/space romance. And let me tell you, we definitely had some misses. Like big ole stinkers. That’s par for the course for this genre unfortunately. But don’t despair! Not all was lost. There were a couple that turned out to be halfway decent reads. So gather ‘round while I regale you with the good, the bad, and the exceptional of June’s Summer Theme reading wrap up.

THE BAD:

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Don’t let the alluring cover or interestingly dark and erotic synopsis fool you! This was the first of the big flops for the month. Not only was there some definite weird insta-love going on here, but it felt like the author had never before written in the sci-fi genre. Her way of making it sci-fi was to give asinine names to everyday items. Like ass coverings (pants?) and sleeping supports (beds!). It was nonstop. Every page had an idiot description. It was so distracting that I couldn’t even bring myself to give even one shit about this book. A big fat DNF @ 50% and a whopping 1 Star rating.

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Now, this one featured one of my favorite tropes: a woman kidnapped by aliens and sold into slavery where she is rescued by a big, brutish alien with a soft, squishy center. However, it didn’t take long for this book to go downhill. Like superfast. Ral helps himself to his “prize” with major non-con (she’s is literally saying “No, don’t do this! Please don’t do this!”), but he’s apparently such a good fuck with a magic penis that by the end our girl is telling him how amazing he is and is shortly after in love with him. Gross, so gross. Now I’ll admit, there are times that non-con/dub-con work but this is definitely not the case.  This was another book that was over for me @ 30%. DNF with a 1 Star rating.

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With a title like that I wanted to LOVE this book for all of its glorious, over the top silliness, and while this book started off with some eye rolling, major cheesiness, it quickly tapered off. By mid-way the silliness became stale and there weren’t many laughs to be found. However, it didn’t warrant a DNF from me so it at the very least it had that going for it. I wanted to read about passionate pirates out to get some bootay, but this book just failed to deliver on promise implied by the title. 2 Lackluster Stars.

THE GOOD:

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This was a short, sweet, and great for scratching the alien romance itch. Again, this is another case of a female being kidnapped and sold at auction. Surprise, surprise, our big scary alien comes to the rescue, freeing our girl, knowing that she is meant to be his. This one worked much better. Instead of Zon raping Lisa (even though he is basically in male version of heat) he actively fights his urge because he knows it’s wrong to force a female into sex. Be-still my beating heart! This made me really like Zon. That and the fact that he had a prosthetic limb, which I thought was a little different. And I especially liked the little “twist” at the end. Okay, there a two twists really, one that seems to happen a lot with these type books that I don’t necessarily like and one that was a little different.  Just for the record, I liked the less obvious twist! A solid 3 Secret-Compartment Star read.

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I actually really liked this one! It was another short read but it managed to hit on a lot of the tropes that I love. Once again, women from Earth are kidnapped, only this time instead of being sold they are dumped on a planet inhabited by giant, carnivorous beasties. Our main girl, Sophia, ends up being rescued by one of the natives, Jax’zan. And let me tell you,  the boy sure knows how to rescue a girl!  What’s great here is that there is a language barrier AND Jax’zan is also somewhat alien.  I love that! Anyhoo. This has the survival on an alien planet deal going on that I dig. There are also other girls left on the planet with Sophia, so I suspect we’ll be seeing their stories in the near future. Bring it on! 3.5 Way-To-Say-Hello-Alien-Loving Stars.

THE BEST:

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If there was any time not to judge a book by its cover, this would be one of those times. It’s horrendous. And quite frankly, this book is also in need of some serious editing. Despite those things, this one ended up being my hands down favorite alien romance for the month. My one complaint, aside from the editing, would be that it starts to feel a little long between the 60-80% mark. Other than that, this was a hit. Arokh is absolutely an alien. No question about it. From his appearance to his mannerism, he is 100% NOT human. I’m going to share a few lines….

I intended to stop her by using a restraint hold I’d heard of. I must have been informed wrong. Because as soon as I captured her wrists and gently pressed a bitehold on her neck (keeping my fangs retracted) she became inflamed.

Umm, yes please.

Truthfully, what had started as a shameful compulsion had morphed into a desperate need. I wasn’t good at this submissive persona.  I wanted to take my female the Rakhii way. But she wasn’t Rakhii. And I had to let her lead.  I knew this.

Swoon. You mean she has a choice? Wow.

Arokh’s growl rips from his chest, rattling the very air.  As in actually.  As in literally.  As in legit DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS ALIEN.

Did I mention he’s  pretty bad-ass? Yeah….

Oh, I guess I should also mention Angie, our female lead. She had me at:

“Overboard!  Mermaid off the port bow!” I’m the happy drunk, in case you were wondering.

I freaking love The Little Mermaid!

I know this is pretty much a non-review, but as I’m rereading the sections I highlighted I can’t help but smile. That’s what this book did: it entertained me in the best way possible. I am super stoked to read the next one! 4 My-Alien-is-Bigger-Than-Your-Alien Stars.

THE OTHER:

Now, I also read some books NOT included as part of our summer theme month. I’m just going to list them with a star rating, just to keep it simple.

Next up: July is YA Dystopia month-we have to get our fix while Daddy is away!

GAMING:

No wrap up of mine would be complete without a gaming update.

I played through Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, and finished Mass Effect 3 yesterday. July 4th just seemed super fitting for the conclusion. Woot woot! I played as a Paragon FemShep who romanced Kaidan in ME1 and remained loyal through ME3. Soooooo lame, I know, but it just felt right for my character. My son was majorly disappointed because Garrus is his dawg, and he thinks Kaidan is about as boring vanilla as they come. He campaigned heavily for Garrus, but Kaidan just seemed the more natural choice. However, if I play through ME3 again, I have a save at the end of ME2 that will make it super easy to romance Garrus and then import that romance to ME3. Same for Thane, who I am actually more intrigued with romantically. My one hangup with him is that his voice actor reminds me so much of William Shatner, which is kinda weird. And yes, I totally played this series for the story and the relationships. It was pretty damn epically amazing.

Next up: The DLC for Witcher 3. I purchased the complete edition, which is apparently NOT compatible with my regular edition saves. Now my options are to either repeat the 200+ hours I have in the base game in addition to playing through the DLCs OR just playing the DLCs, which will allow me to play the DLC only and assign me the correct level to start. Decisions, decisions.

MOVIES AND SUCH:

I didn’t watch too much TV this month. I guess I was too involved with the Mass Effects and alien romance. My daughter and I did go on a scary movie binge, which included Insidious 1, Insidious 2, The Boy, Clown, The Ring, and some others I’m sure. I’m pretty sure the Insidious-es are now 2 of her favorite movies. Score for scary movies. She gets it from her Mama.

I did see Baby Driver  in the theater… today. But it’s so good that I wanted to go ahead and include it now. My post, my rules. I’ll allow it.  Anyway, it’s like, really, really good. The acting, the music, the way it was shot, all of it was topnotch. I highly recommend it.

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Alright guys, that’s about all I got. Until next time you lovable weirdos.

Starship Grifters by Robert Kroese

I’m just going to apologize upfront:

I’m crap at writing “real” book reviews. I’m sorry. Please don’t hold that against this book that I’m about to write a really crappy review for. It’s not its fault that my way with words is not on par with the author’s or my co-bloggers for that matter. They write awesome reviews. I tend to stick to “alternative” posts because I can handle those WAY better, or at least marginally better. So again, please accept this deep, heartfelt apology for what you are about to experience (or not experience if I’ve managed to drive you away!)

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There. Now that the niceties are out of the way and you guys are aware that this book review will be only “so-so” I can proceed guilt free.

I try to keep my reading experiences fun and interesting. I have way too much going on in my real life to be brought down by a boring fantasy world, hence the reading of silly monster smut and bad alien erotica. It’s ridiculous and cheesy and sometimes just the perfect palate cleanser. So when I came across this book with my handy, dandy kindle unlimited subscription, which NEVER fails me by the way (that was sarcasm people, just in case you were wondering), I was intrigued, but also a little hesitant. I like space stuff and I like funny, but I’d never really read  a space farce before. I’ve seen them, sure. Who doesn’t love Spaceballs?

 

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If you don’t think this is comedic genius then you have no comedy in your soul my friend.

And while I didn’t necessarily expect this to be that, it was the basis for my comparison. The bar was set really, really high. So I see this book, Starship Grifters (Rex Nihilo #1) by Robert Kroese

and I just can’t look away from it. I keep coming back to it, over and over again. I mean, that cover: it screams intergalactic space romp. I love it so much! Cover love does not always equate to book love, though, as I’m sure you are all aware. These books with amazingly perfect cover art are the Trojan horses of the book world. They look like beautiful, wonderful gifts on the outside. You welcome them into your life with open arms. Come here, pretty book, come to mama. But when you look on the inside all you find is the death of your hopes and dreams, stabbed, crushed, and stomped on by the facade of an attractive face. I would have hated for that to have been this book.

Please don’t let me down, please don’t let me down….

And you know what? It absolutely did not. I LOVED this book. I literally laughed out loud reading it. I regaled my co-workers, with tears streaming down my face, with the antics of Rex Nihilo. It was so good in every way.

You see Rex is a, well, he’s a grifter. He’s not a great gambler or boss or a great person for that matter, but he can talk himself in to and out of almost anything. Rex is always looking out for numero uno and for the next big score that requires the least amount of effort on his part.  Imagine his delight when, during a card game, he manages to win (totally on the up and up, I swear *wink wink*) the ownership of not only a spaceship but also a whole friggin planet. And from a well-known and well-respected weapons merchant! It’s gotta be legit, right? This is it: his big score! Only of course, it’s not that easy and things don’t go as planned.  Rex learns the planet is mortgaged to the hilt and now, because of the unpaid debt, he has a bounty on his head. Rex and Sasha, his Self-Arresting near-Sentient Heuristic Android companion, must figure a way out of this mess before it’s too late and he ends up paying way more than he bargained for.

Along the way they amass the traditional rag-tag crew (YAS!) and you begin to realize that either Rex is the luckiest man in the whole damn universe or he’s just fucking brilliant. Or both. I’m going with both.

Guys, this book was just fun and smart and even ended with a twist I didn’t quite see coming. It’s probably going to go down as one of my favorites this year. I’m that serious. If you like funny, like nerdy funny, I highly recommend it (and if you’re an audio book person, the audio is pretty good as well!)

That’s it, my people. Crappy review out.

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Freaky Friday: Just Say Yes…………To Alien Romance

Good evening poppets! As part of our mission to be an oh so informative book blog, we have decided to create a Freaky theme to our Friday posts. Every Friday stop on by for a new blog about something “freaky”. Topics will range from alien romances to monster smut to dark and dirty romances. But don’t be too surprised if other weird things pop up too. If you are one of those people where these topics sound terrifying, we hope that you’ll still check out these posts. We promise to not be too judgmental, and maybe we will convince you to try something new. If you think these topics sound awesome, well then congratulations!! You have found your people. So now without further ado, I present our first Freaky Friday post.

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It is no secret that I love me some alien romances. I get a little itchy when it has been too long between series. Last weekend I was book shopping with a friend. She had the audacity to ask me, “Well, why do you read alien romance then?” I ended up giving her a very unconvincing argument. But it really got me thinking about why do I love this genre so much. Here are my top 5 legitimate reasons for loving alien romances, and why you should too.

5.) CREATIVITY– Now it is true that alien romances are extremely tropey. OKAY, they really only have two tropes. No alien women! Whether it is due to war, disease, or DNA that a 1000 years of evolution can’t fix, there is a universe full of male aliens just waiting to get laid.

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And uncontrollable Insta-Love caused by either DNA or a symbiotic being. But tropes aside, alien romance opens a whole universe of other possibilities. Authors can explore such thrilling details like cat eyes, glowing tattoos, and whether the skin should be florescent purple or soft like suede. Why settle for yet another romance set in New York City, when you could have one set on a planet where all of the plants are red? Or where 90% of the surface is water? Where plants evolved to be sentient beings? It provides a limitless number of possibilities, of dangers to be overcome.

4. SCIENCE – Okay, so either you are one of those people that find science fun, or you aren’t. But come on guys, Science is fun!!

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Or at least this kind of science is fun. If you have ever wondered about all the different ways the male anatomy could have evolved……alien romance is the genre for you. Plus it is neat learning about the different kinds of stars. Or the differences between a wormhole and a black hole. You get to learn something while getting your smut on. Why would that not interest you?

3. NERD REFERENCES – I’m currently reading a romance (not alien) and the author casually referenced two male names like I should have automatically known who they were. Alas, I did not. When I looked them up, I realized that they were on a popular but boring to me TV show. If this has ever happened to you, then most likely alien romance is for you. No other genre is going to drop casual references like the planet Hoth, daleks, or Starfleet.

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2. DISTANCE – One of the most important reasons why you should give alien romance a try is because it provides an emotional distance from the bad. Every story has to have a villain. It is easier to read and process a story about a woman who is kidnapped and sold into sex slavery if the villain is a walking basketball on a stick. It is easier to deal with the darker side of life when it is set in an obviously fictional setting. The reader can safely contemplate what s/he would do if put in that situation without realizing that it could really happen. It can be safer to face those fears when you don’t have to worry about turning on the news to see that the person down the street has been abducted by aliens.

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1. FUN – Honestly, the ultimate reason why you should just read alien romance already is because it is fun. No where else will you get to laugh as the character is molested by a massaging bed because she pushed the wrong button. Or had a furry rug in the bathroom try to clean her. Or discover that the alien food that looked like wriggling worms actually tasted like chocolate. Since this is a genre without strict rules, anything goes. Which is often a delightful way to spend a few hours.

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The best thing to ever happen to the alien romance genre is a little creation that I like to call Kindle Unlimited. This beautiful service provides an almost endless supply of alien romances. Unfortunately, a lot of it is a giant waste of time. And reading the wrong book for your first attempt in this genre could ruin the whole thing for you. To steer you on the right path, here are just a few of my favorites.

5. Dark Planet Warriors – Actually a serial, each story is less than 100 pages. So you wouldn’t have to invest a lot of time to try it out. I would highly recommend this series to someone new to the game. The story focused heavily on developing a relationship between two, and less on jumping straight into bed. I also liked that it didn’t have the “We Need Women” trope.

4. Alien Mate Index – This full length novel actually reads more like a paranormal romance than an alien romance. You can expect a fully developed story line, and relationship. This also does not have the “We Need Women” trope. But human women are rare, so in this book Zoe is kidnapped to be auctioned off to a collector. Naturally on the way to the auction there is trouble with the ship, and all kinds of shenanigans occur. The best part of the story are the nib-nibs. Zoe saves 3 adorable tiny monkey like creatures from becoming her snack, so they adore her. Her trio of pets goes everywhere with her, and add another level of depth to the story.

3. Brides of the Kindred – Written by the same author as Alien Mate Index, this is the only series on my list that has the “We Need Women” trope. I don’t mind it as much because of the science. The Kindred are considered to be genetic traders. The males are fierce warriors that basically go around the universe saving planets. In exchange, all they ask is for new DNA for their bloodline. Unlike a lot of stories, the Kindred predominantly take after the female side of their heritage. Therefore, Brothers are unrecognizable as siblings. This allows for there to be more variety throughout the series.

2. Ice Planet Barbarians – This is the most controversial part of my post. Ice Planet Barbarians is hands down the most popular alien romance currently written, and it will shock people to see that is #2 on my list. The first series I read that I truly loved, it has become the standard on which I judge all alien romances against. It is impossible to not read this series without falling in love with one of those gorgeous blue aliens.

1. Galactic Gladiators – Currently my absolute favorite alien romance series, I don’t want to post too much about this. The fifth book in the series recently came out, and I hope to write an entire post dedicated to this series once I’ve read it. But I will say that before I found alien romances, I spent a long time searching for good gladiator historical romances. I never found any that were half as good as this series. It is wonderful blend of science fiction and ancient Rome. And the best part, the women are fierce. Not one just rolls over and gives up when they discover they are stuck another planet. A few even fight regularly in games.

Well, I hope that I have convinced you to try a vastly under appreciated genre. While there are a lot of bad examples out there, there are also some really great stories. So give one of these a try the next time you are in the mood for something new. Or if you are like me, and it has been too long since you last read some alien loving.