Nightfall (Jack Nightingale #1) by Stephen Leather ★★☆☆☆

(I’m apologizing in advance for the giphy review. I had to find entertainment somewhere.)

Okay, I’ll admit it. Not only am I a sucker for a pretty cover, but I also like pretty book titles.  I keep all my pretty shinies tucked away in a safe spot, where no harm may befall them and where I can privately gaze at them, whispering sweet nothings and stroking their smooth, blemish free exteriors. My pretty, pretty shinies….

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Ahem.

Back to the subject at hand. Book titles, yes. In this case, it was the title character’s name that did it for me.  Jack Nightingale just has a sound to it, ya know? Jack Nightingale, Private Investigator. Now there’s the man I’d want working my case. If I opened the yellow pages or google or whatever app people use to choose service professionals and had to pick someone, anyone, who could help me and there was a listing for Jack Nightingale, he’d be my choice, no question.  There’s just something about the name that whispers “greatness.” And, in the beginning, I was not disappointed. The opening was fantastic. I just knew I was going to love it.

But then something happened.

The magic of those beginning chapters was lost.

It became repetitive and uninspired.

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Thanks to my handy dandy kindle app I was able to do a word count. “Cigarette” was mentioned 122 times in the book. “Smoke” was mentioned another 88 times. Now he only mentioned his favorite brand, “Marlboro”, a mere 21 times the slacker. Let’s see, he also said “Pentangles” 54 times and “Satan/Satanist” another 42 times. Gah! Anyway, the shit just bugged me.

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Any of the interesting bits there were were lost in the cloud of smoke that perpetually surrounded Jack. What made him so fucking special? Why in the world would a demon go through so much trouble, kill all of those people, just to get to Jack specifically? And the more I read about Jack, the more I began to dislike him. He’s extremely self-centered, he’s crass, and he’s sexist, and normally, those things aren’t always deal breakers for me. Sometimes it’s okay to have a main character that possesses an/some undesirable traits. It adds flavor and diversity. I’m totally cool with that. But take this as an example. He has an assistant, Jenny, (that apparently has a thing for him though I can’t imagine why) and instead of actually taking the time to read her CV/resume and appreciate her for her accomplishments, he hired her because she has great legs and a nice phone voice. By the end of the book he still hasn’t taken any time to get to know her better, and she still has a thing for him. WHY???

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This is from the very last pages of the book:

“You’ve got to be joking.” (Jenny)

“Jenny, just do as you’re told…”

and then the next page,

“I’ll try,” said Jenny.

“Good girl,” he said.

Like she’s a fucking dog. And this is after he’s had an entire book for some character growth.

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It’s not only how he treats other people, he also makes a ton of conjectures based on very little information, one such conjecture being what constitutes a “Satanist.” Has he never watched Supernatural? A Crossroad Demon can be summoned by digging a hole in the dead center of a set of crossroads, burying a box containing a picture of the mortal wishing to make the deal, some graveyard dirt, and a bone from a black cat (yeah, I googled that shit.) You don’t have to be a Satanist. Seriously, like literally anyone can do it. Trust me on this. But apparently, according to Jack, owning or having anything to do with the occult means you worship The Devil. Bollocks!

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Oh, Crowley. Of course we’ll snuggle.

So at the end, the author tries to give a half-assed explanation for all of it, but I’m not buying it. Nope. Not buying a  word. I think all the shit that went down was solely for dramatic effect and the end was a feeble attempt to tie it all together.

I’m giving it two stars, and that’s only because I liked the beginning so much. There was so much promise in that opening. *sighs*

Sam Says (1)

The Mirror’s Truth (Manifest Delusions #2) by Michael R. Fletcher

Welcome back to the sick and twisted world full of insane people, debauchery, violence, and delusions. We have our favorite trio back from the Afterdeath: a nice place to take a vacation if you like the color gray, tasteless food, and monotony. No? Doesn’t sound like much fun? Well, you’re lucky then, because Morgen, the boy-god has Ascended, and can bring you back to the “real world.” It’s not much more fun, but at least there is real booze and the food tastes…marginally better?

Morgen finds our trio separately and makes separate deals with them. Our “hero,” Bedeckt (huge guy with battle axe who refuses to acknowledge his insanity and may be a bit of a berserker) just wants to make things right.

Stehlen, the psychotic Kleptic, just wants revenge on Bedeckt, because she loves him and he rejected her. She also might be in love with Wichtig, although she has no idea why. She also gets to keep her lover, the great swordswoman Lebendig. Nobody is allowed to take ANYTHING from her!

Wichtig, the Greatest Swordsman in the World, is just thrilled because he’ll get to have sex again, drink good ale, and resume his quest to best all swordsmen everywhere! For all time! Because he is the best. And cutest. And the best. Of all time. And really attractive and charming and the wenches be all up in his shizz. (I love Wichtig, lol.)

So, there is tons of brutal violence:

We see a LOT of the insides of people. There is also lots of betrayal:

Because that’s the way this world rolls.

Our trio spends most of the book trying to find each other, to pay each other back for all the wrongs and imagined wrongs. The boy-god Morgen is trying to expand his kingdom, but finds out it’s a messy, dirty business (and he can’t stand messes). He might be a bit OCD about cleanliness.

There is also a crazy dragon, a chick who is so deluded she has convinced herself she speaks to the earth and can move dirt and rocks, and some other crazy guy who is convinced everyone has a demon inside of them he has to exorcise.

I LOVE this series so much! I can’t put my finger on what it is. In a way, it’s meandering and we spend a LOT of time in the various characters’ minds (and that can be a crazy place to be), but the writing is so darn good, and the humor is so dark and twisted, it just warms my shriveled up heart.

I think my favorite character is Wichtig. Somehow he is just likeable, even though he’s such a POS! One of my favorite scenes is where he tries to train his new apprentice.

“The facts don’t matter. Facts are a hindrance. Unless they support whatever it is you’re saying, in which case they are the most important thing in the world and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.”

“Your opponent doesn’t matter. The crowd matters. Convince the crowd. Never fight without a crowd if you can avoid it. If there’s no crowd, then you have to convince your opponent. If that fails, you might have to actually rely on skill with a sword. That should always be a last resort. Now, talk to the crowd. Look at the pretty girls or boys or whatever your preference is. Ignore your opponent. Nothing pisses Swordsmen off more than being ignored.”

“You don’t care what they think about you, you care what they think about the fight. What they think about your opponent.” Wichtig closed his eyes. “I’m tired. Keep practicing in your mind. Imagine the crowd. Imagine what you’ll say and what your opponent will say. Wake me if the dragon comes to eat us.”

Man, he gets put through the wringer in this one! It’s horrible, but yet I couldn’t stop reading! Poor Wichtig! LOL

Don’t expect these characters to have nice and tidy HEAs. lol

This is an anti-happy-ever-after world and “dark” fantasy at its best! Hands down. I will read anything by this author! I can’t wait to find out what happens next.

My review at Goodreads. My review for the first book, Beyond Redemption, is also at Goodreads.

7ya8izz

 

The Queen of the Tearling by Erika Johansen

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First things first, more Fetch please.

Here we have a book that dares to cross genres. It’s a fantasy/dystopian blend that is mostly-vague about the origin details. We know there was a world very similar to ours, same country names, technology, books, and culture. Then, “something happened” in an event known as The Crossing and we lost technology, electricity, advanced medicine, and were reduced to living in a world with torches, swords, archery, farming, hunting, villagers and nobles, etc. etc.

This is the story of a 19-year-old girl who is the heir to the Tearling throne, had been hidden and raised by foster parents until she came of age, and then has to suddenly become a queen. Her kingdom has been brutalized by her uncle, who was Regent, and by a neighboring evil queen who demands a repulsive monthly tithe of Tear slaves.

Kelsea is the new, young queen and she immediately begins making changes and struggles to earn the respect of her guards and citizens. This was a book that ended without a cliffhanger, but there were plenty of pieces that are still to be resolved.

What I really liked:

  • Kelsea was great. She is one of my new favorite female characters. She is no Mary Sue and has to fight and earn her place. She is assertive and confident and yet still has the realistic self-doubt of any young woman concerning her looks and desirability. I thought there was a lot of girl power in this!
  • As I mentioned, no cliffhanger. The first part of the story ends satisfactorily, but makes you want more because there are still at least two people that Kelsea will potentially have an epic showdown with.
  • No romantic angst or manufactured drama! (There is no romance in this at all, actually.)

The only minor issue I had was that the book felt a bit over-long, but the pacing was still pretty even.

I would not classify this as Young Adult. There was no smut, but there were graphic descriptions of sex, rape, and abuse to women and children. People got their throats cut and were gutted. The main character is 19 when the story starts and everyone else is older than her, so if anything, it’s “New Adult.”

I enjoyed this enough that I am putting it on my favorites shelf and would buy a physical copy and re-read it at some point.

Buddy read with the MacHalo group. My review at Goodreads – five stars! 🙂

7ya8izz

Alien vs. Debbie: An Erotic Adventure

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This Freaky Friday edition is about a short story I read last year and is hands down one of the best alien smuts I have EVER read. First of all, look at this glorious cover:

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It’s written by someone named Emma Steele, and she doesn’t have a whole lot of titles under this name. Unfortunately. This had humor, was well-written, and just flipping ROCKED. Here is my review from Goodreads.

My name is Debbie Archer. I’m 50 feet tall and I can’t get enough of the monster peen. But being so tall, regular peen just isn’t realistic for me anymore. So I had to go and screw Godzilla, and it was AMAZING. It even activated my kundalini and my chakras got all tuned up! Then, I got sucked through a wormhole and somehow ended up regular sized again, on a ship in 1987 with… Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, and Veronica Cartwright?!?!

Debbie: To top that off, they tell me they have a mission to capture all these TV aliens in space that somehow really exist because of complicated science reasons I don’t really understand – and then they show me where they’ve got them all locked up, so of course, after I screw the humans, I end up doing the aliens! ALF was there, some reptilian from Star Trek, Mork from Mork & Mindy, the Great Magoo, and some others … but these guys made the biggest impression…

Yep, I did them both. And loved it!

He’s got a three inch peen!

See that glowing finger? Well, it’s HOT, literally, and he likes to stick it places. The perv.

Anyway, I’m insatiable, and unstoppable, just like the Sia song! You’ll have to read it for yourself to find out what happens after the Xenomorph from Aliens shoots his creature sauce all over the spaceship (hint: that shizz eats through everything but diamonds). I have to go now because I see someone – something? – else I need to have sex with! Byeeee!

Me: Thanks Debbie, I’m sure everyone will want to read your story now!

So, I’m not sure if this is some bizarre version of fan fiction?

Whatever it is, I thought it was great. This really appealed to my inner sci-fi geek, as well as being hilarious. This was actually written very well and incorporates a lot of fun sci-fi theories and fantastic satire. This may be the best monster porn/smut I’ve ever read. It was gross, but so over the top, I just laughed.

I don’t usually give monster porn five stars (or even rate it usually because, while it satisfies my bizarre and twisted cravings, they are not usually all that). But this one? This one, my friends, is how it’s done. Take notes, authors of niche erotica, because this, for what it is, is freaking BRILLIANT! Yep, I’m going there. This was hilarious and awesome!

7ya8izz

Until next time: stay freaky.

That’s a Wrap: July Edition

I can’t believe July is already over! I thought I’d have more time! You see, the kids start back to school on Thursday then I start back on the 21st. I have no idea after that point how much reading and gaming I’ll be able to get done before then. The pressure! Gaaaaaaaah! Okay, so really I’m the only one putting pressure on myself but still, it’s there, waiting to squeeze me until my insides become my outsides and I slide to the floor in a puddle of intestinal juices and goo. So, before that disgusting example of a tragedy occurs I need to get my affairs in order, beginning with a quick July wrap-up.

Surprisingly, July was not super productive reading wise. I completed seven books. There were a few others that I started but ultimately ended up setting aside, for now anyway. It’s a mood thing. To organize my list somewhat I’m going to start with the worst and end with the best (this should be easy, as there is only one I’d really put in the “worst” category.)

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Through the Door (The Thin Veil #1) by Jodi McIsaac ★★

This book is what I like to call fantasy light, meaning that it’s kinda hard to pinpoint to a specific fantasy genre, but it’s also not what I’d consider “real” fantasy. It’s like bubble gum fantasy or popcorn fantasy even, light and fluffy and without much depth. I was drawn to it because I thought it had an interesting premise, as it revolves around a mother and her child. We don’t see a lot of mom MCs, so I was interested to see how the author handled this scenario. The result? It was okay. It was fine. It was nothing stellar. I had originally given this book 3 stars, but, in the scope of things, I bumped it down to 2 stars. There’s nothing wrong with this book on the large, but there were quite a few small things that annoyed me, the biggest issues being that the actions of 3 of the main female characters revolved partly/mostly around pining after a man (why?!?!) and that a large part of the conflict revolved around unnecessary secret keeping (which is one of my peeves.)

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The Edge of Oblivion (Night Prowler #2) by J. T. Geissinger ★★★

This is most definitely a paranormal romance series, not a genre that I love love, so it’s harder for me to rate. Even with that disclaimer I’d have to say that I have been pleasantly surprised. In this second installment of Night Prowler we pick up shortly after Shadow’s Edge (Book #1.) This follows Morgan through her quest for redemption for actions that took place in the first book (so you kinda sorta need to start with Shadow’s Edge.) The books themselves are a little romantic angst heavy (which is kind of par for the course for the genre) so the plot gets lost at times. However, I still like the world and the mythos that the author has created, I liked this couple more so than the last, and I will probably give book 3 a shot in the future.

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Heart’s Blood by Juliet Marillier ★★★1/2

This was a long anticipated read for me: a retelling of Beauty and the Beast written by a truly gifted story teller. I hate to say it, but this would have to be the biggest let down for me this month. I love Ms. Marillier’s writing style. It’s whimsical and poetic and often poignant. However, I found this lacked a little bit of her normal magic. The two main characters were boring, and the secondary characters only just made up for it. I also felt the story lacked enough information, like it was missing chunks of backstory and history. There were a lot of unexplained phenomena, like the castle, and the mirrors, and the Tor in general. It hints at a long, magical history but never does it expand on that. With that being said, even though I was a little disappointed, it was by no means a terrible book. There’s always a definite beauty to be found in her writing, and this was no exception. I just didn’t connect as much as I hoped I would.

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The Diabolic (The Diabolic #1) by S. J. Kincaid ★★★★

I know some may classify this as science fiction, and it is to an extent, but to me this reads clearly as a YA dystopian that just happens to have a space setting. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Calling it science fiction just makes it sound more grown up. But it’s cool. Because I still actually like depressing dystopian settings, and I really like space. Win-win for me. This is a book that I read in basically one sitting, into the wee hours of the morning. It was bloody and dirty and sad and fun? All I can say is that I really liked Nemesis. I liked that she managed to remain true to her character, that she was able to remain calculating and fierce while at the same time discovering her capacity for emotions, for humanity. I thought the author achieved a great balance there. As for the rest of the cast, I don’t trust nobody (yes, that’s my southern Podunk vernacular.) You hear me? Nobody.

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Rescued by an Alien (Stolen by an Alien #2) by Amanda Milo ★★★★

I know, I know, another alien romance. What can I say? It’s my guilty pleasure. Ah, who am I kidding? No guilt here, none whatsoever. This is the second book in the Stolen by an Alien series. It picks up towards the end of Stolen by an Alien (Book 1), basically right dab in the middle of the chaos at the end. Where Arokh and Angie’s story concludes (ish), Zadeon “Z” and Callie’s story begins (ish). I liked this one just as much as the first. It has heart and soul and all the alien goodness that I crave, while at the same time it has a slightly darker undertone and touches on some pretty sensitive issues. I’m now officially a fan.

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The Knife of Never Letting Go (Chaos Walking #1) ★★★★1/2

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The Ask and the Answer (Chaos Walking #2) ★★★★

by Patrick Ness

Yes, I know. I seem to be on repeat. First there was yet another alien romance and now there’s yet another science fiction dystopian to add to the list. Eh, what can I say? I guess I’m pretty predictable. Here’s the deal: I was hoping to finish this series before the end of the month. Unfortunately, that did not happen. I’m a slacker, that’s really my only excuse. This series, gah, it’s so frustrating and heartbreaking and so amazingly well written. Mr. Ness is a consummate story teller, even if that story is harsh and ugly and hard to bear. It’s like the trifecta of dystopian tales: this series puts humans who settled this foreign planet against the non-human natives AND the haves (those with the cure to a “plague” affecting the humans) against the have-nots (those without said cure) AND the men against the women. There’s literally SO MUCH CONFLICT. And, get this: just when you think there can’t possibly be anymore strife, in book 3 we’ll see the new settlers land and throw their lot into the pot as well. I really have no idea how this is all going to go down. Of course, I know how I want Book 3 to end (with the Spackle/natives getting some much deserved vengeance against the humans), but I doubt Mr. Ness is going to take it there. Whatever happens to conclude this series I’ll just say this: I think this story was brilliantly told. It stemmed a lot of interesting discussions in our group so I’m really happy to have read it with the group of people I did. Thanks guys! Book 3 is on the books for mid-August so be on the lookout!

Gaming:

Well, after completing the ME trilogy last month I thought I was going for another play through of The Witcher III (only this time with ALL the DLC). That commitment lasted like a day. I was on a ME high so decided to go for Mass Effect: Andromeda instead. It didn’t suck me in like the others did. Now, don’t get me wrong, I played it hot’n’heavy for like 2 weeks…but once I stopped, I stopped. Maybe it’s knowing there’s nothing else to come? No DLCs, no game 2, nothing, nada, zilch. It’s kinda sad to become invested in characters knowing this is all there is. However, hopefully this means there’s a DA:4 on the horizon–that will be my consolation AND I will eventually at least complete the main story of Andromeda.

Aside from ME:A, I also went ahead and purchased Borderlands: The Handsome Jack Collection. My son and I have had a few days of fun with that. For those who don’t know, it’s just like guns, guns, and more guns. It’s pretty awesome, and dare I say badass?

We’ve also been into a different sort of gaming: BOARD GAMES! Taking it back old school. That’s been pretty fun, especially since we are all super competitive. Our most recent addition is Smarta**. Trivia games are like my jam. Fortunately, I managed to answer the bookish ones right (John Grisham and Ernest Hemingway)

Movies, TV, etc:

This will be simple: I can’t remember the first movie I watched, so either a) I didn’t watch any OR b) they weren’t worth remembering. As for TV, well I turned on our actual satellite for the first time in like a year and was pleasantly surprised to see the newest season of Hoarders (mostly) recorded. Yay! Just when I thought I needed to clean my house, I now realize it can always be worse. Thanks Hoarders for feeding our slovenliness! I also googled “Best Shows on Netflix” and discovered Rectify. I cried like every episode and of course binge watched the entire thing in like a week. Even though it was cancelled, the writers did a really good job of concluding the series. It felt complete (mostly.) It was a good pick, so thanks Google!

Let me see…

Well, I turned thirty…ahem, I mean TWENTY-five this month and my daughter turned SIXTEEN!!!! (don’t do the math. it’s very complicated). SIXTEEN people. Where does it go? I’m all for any excuse that allows for all-you-can-eat sushi, but really? Really?! It seriously goes by so damn fast, y’all. There was a little bit of a theme going on for her gift-wise too, as she received a Ouija board, an EMF meter, and multiple books on ghost hunting and haunted places. Oh, and I must not forget her Harry Potter: Dark Arts loot crate. That was a pretty cool reveal as well. It was a lot of fun for her and a lot of sad for me. Gah!

Oh, and we’ve decided to try our hand at knitting. You know what they say: families that knit together…maybe there’s no saying for that. Well, either way, it should be interesting. My son wants to knit a cape. He’s the coolest weird kid I know.

Alright, I’ve rambled on entirely too long. This was supposed to be a quick wrap-up. Maybe I need to reevaluate my definition of “quick.” Sheesh.

Sam Says (1)

Ya got any comments, questions, or concerns you know what to do. Peace (and then I mimic a mic drop.)

Wildfire (Hidden Legacy #3) by Ilona Andrews

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The newest book in the Hidden Legacy series has just been released and some of us have already read it, of course. And loved it! Just when you think it can’t get any better, it gets better! Here is our interview-style review of the book and the series overall.

What are your overall thoughts about Wildfire?

Shelly: I thought it was so great, I could fangirl all day and  night. So much happens and its nonstop action and very plot-driven. Sergeant Teddy (the super-intelligent and genetically enhanced grizzly) and Zeus (the lion tentacle creature from the arcane realm) were such cool new “animal” characters. A lot of pieces of the puzzle were resolved, but there is still so much more left to discover!

Kira: I feel like the odd man out because I didn’t love this. It was wicked good but my least favorite in the series so far. The plot was great, and I love the direction the series is going. Victoria Tremaine was full of surprises. There were a couple of things that annoyed me with this. I’ll discuss those later on.

Do you have a favorite character?

Shelly: Well, Rogan of course. But, I really like so many of the supporting characters. Cornelius, and all the Baylors…

Kira: Hands down it’s Rogan. No one else even compares. Grandma Frida is cool too.

If you were a Prime, what ability would you have?

Shelly: If I could be a combination of a Summoner and then have the ability to communicate and control what comes out of that realm (like Cornelius’ House does with regular animals), I’d go for that one. Psionics and aegis are cool too.

Kira: Of all the abilities I’ve seen so far, I want to be able to teleport only as long as I could do it for long distances. It’d be great for getting out of dangerous situations. Traveling would be so much easier. Like they showed in Burn for Me, if thievery is your thing that is easier too. It would also be sweet to be a mnemonic and have nearly perfect memory recall.

If you were stuck on an island, which Baylor would you take with you and why?

Shelly: I think I’m gonna go with Arabella, only because of all the characters, I think she would be able to get me OFF the island. I wouldn’t want to be stuck on an island for ever (maybe just a nice sunny day). Even if we had to swim away, she could protect me from sharks.

Kira: Grandma Frida. She’s funny, witty, caring and protective. The woman is crafty as hell. She’d probably know how to take whatever random materials you’d have on an island and know how to build something from it.

Are there any criticisms or issues you had with Wildfire or the series in general?

Shelly: The ex drama and angst over Nevada and Rogan’s relationship was my one sore spot. Even considering that, it wasn’t heavy-handed and I could deal with it (and I’m allergic to drama).

Kira: The relationship ambivalence with Rogan and Nevada got on my nerves. The two of them clearly love each other, but Rogan is convinced Nevada will regret their relationship if their children aren’t primes someday. Since he planted that seed of doubt in her mind in White Hot, it kept popping up in her thoughts. Neither of them showed interest in other people, but Nevada had another guy expressing interest in her. Rogan’s ex was around for the whole book, creating lots of drama.

Genetics has been spoken about quite a bit in regards to magical abilities. It’s been emphasized that primes are more likely to come from two strong primes, otherwise the power weakens. Certain abilities are much more compatible than others, so two people without similar abilities are likely to produce children with weaker or no abilities. So why the hell is Nevada’s family loaded with people with special talents? Her dad had no abilities. Her mother and grandmother aren’t incredibly powerful. I’m not even sure if they have abilities or not. If they do it must be related to their military type of skills. This is a wild guess, but that magic doesn’t seem like it would be compatible with the magic from Nevada’s father side of the family. Between the father having no abilities and the mother not having considerable power, how did they produce three powerful kids? I know it’s possible the way genetics work. Sometimes things skip a generation, but it doesn’t seem like the most plausible scenario that all 3 kids are powerful with rare abilities. It’s not just them either. Leon has a rare and powerful ability, and Bernard has his own powerful ability. The two of them are cousins. Where did their abilities come from? With everything we’ve been told about how the magic passes genetically, this entire family is an anomaly. I’d like an explanation for this that’s better than genetics are random.

Who should get their own spinoff in this world (character or House)?

Shelly: I am really fascinated with the arcane realm that the Summoners pull these monster-like creatures from. I would love to learn more about Summoning and this strange other world. I think there could be a good trilogy’s-worth of material focusing just on a Summoner House. I would devour read that!

Kira: Catalina Baylor seems like she’d be a good choice for spinoff. I’d love to know what she can really do with her siren powers. Every ability has such depth to it. There must be more than simply luring people to her. It seemed like something was going on behind the scenes with her in Wildfire. It definitely seemed like there was mutual interest with Catalina and Alessandro Sagredo.

Any last thoughts?

Shelly: This series, in my view, shows how much the Andrews have grown as writers and is very indicative of their style. The humor, the action scenes, the world-building, and even the way they make a character come to life the minute they are on the page… it sounds cheesy, but it’s magical. They write amazing villains too. Victoria Tremaine was fantastic in this and stole all her scenes. This is book depression territory, it’s so good!

Kira: I am so happy there will be a fourth book! I love Nevada and Rogan. I’m not ready for their story to be done yet. It would be great to have a book where they can work together as a couple without doubts about whether or not they’re right for each other. This world Ilona Andrews has created is fascinating. Look how crazy everything is, and most of the characters we’ve met are just from one part of Texas.

7ya8izz

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Freaky Friday: I F***** the Puppet

Ha! I’ve got your attention now, don’t I?  I told you last week that we would return full force this Friday with a signature MacHalo special…and I always keep my promises.

Now, we’ve read a lot of weird stuff in the past, especially when it comes to niche erotica. We aren’t scared to go where no sane person has gone before. Well, besides the author, of course (obviously that person has issues—j/k! we love you Fannie Tucker!), but you get what I mean. So when we came across this little story, we knew it was kismet. You know what  it’s like when you have a craving but you just can’t seem to put your finger on what it is but then you walk by a shop and there’s this scrumptious smell wafting out and then it hits you that you need almonds coated in cocoa and espresso powder? Well this is kinda like that. We were craving puppet porn only we didn’t realize it until this story reached out and slapped us in the face with its big, green, three fingered hand.

Let’s get to it then, shall we?

First, meet our sexually deviant kids show host, Dongo.  He loves kids, rhyming, dub-con and bondage.

 

Say hi everyone.

Next, we have our aspiring young dancer, Emily. She’s in to, well dancing, and apparently she’s REALLY in to puppets. Or rather, a puppet is about to be really in to her.

Hey Emily!

Emily is a classically trained ballerina who is currently a back-up dancer on a kids show just waiting on her big break. After a small costume malfunction and a trip to wardrobe after the show, Emily finds herself alone in the studio wearing nothing but her bra and panties. What’s a girl to do? Put some clothes on? Nah. She’s to perform Swan Lake of course.

Only, Emily is not really alone. Her good pal Dongo is lurking in the shadows and her performance has  him all worked up. Now what’s a giant puppet to do? Not be horny? Nah, silly. He’s going to make Emily his puppet for the night of course.

“Dancer girl, close your eyes! Dongo has a fun surprise!” 

Image result for silly goose meme

This had the benefit of being funny, but funny in that extremely bizarre way that makes you feel a little weird inside. Like “should I be laughing at this because it is pretty terrible?” kind of funny. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway. This living “puppet”, and puppet is very loose description because he’s like this 6-foot tall furry blob with googly eyes and a cavernous mouth who supposedly has strings that hold him up, takes Emily and ties her up using these same strings and tells her she’s going to like it getting oohha-ed in her hoo-ha.

“Uh-hoo! Uh-hoo! The ropes are tight! A puppet friend for me tonight!”

So yeah, we definitely have some dub con with this one, even though after that she’s just like,

“Eh, what the hell? How often do you get the chance to blow a kid’s TV show puppet?”

Too true Emily, too true.

Let me just say Dongo was so texturely unappealing. He is literally covered in shag carpet. Like everywhere, his monster dong included. The whole time reading this all I could think about was matted down fur and how weird that would feel against the tongue, not to mention other body parts. It brings a whole new light to the term “shagging.” Not to mention RUG BURN. Gross and ouch!

Here are some highlights for you:

“You dance like a magical fairy!” Dongo said, then made a clumsy attempt to put himself in attitude en point. “Between those boobs, my face I’ll bury!” (I told you he likes rhyming!)

My thighs tightened against his wide, frumpy hips, and I dug my fingers into the fur of his shoulders as pleasure exploded inside of me.

…I tasted something like candy. I glanced down and saw that Dongo’s spunk glistening in every color of the rainbow. 

There’s nothing like some iridescent splooge that tastes like candy, am I right?

If you think you might want to check it out, here’s the link. All you Kindle Unlimited members are in luck! Most of Ms. Tucker’s books are available with the subscription. And if not? Well, that’s what we’re here for: so you can be entertained by monster smut guilt free.

Until next time, you honorary MacHalo freaks!

Sam Says (1)

Have any ideas or suggestions for our next Freaky Friday post? We’d love to hear from you!