“Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt” by Chuck Tingle

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I read this as part of the MacHalo group’s little Halloween buddy smut challenge.

Some buses are sentient in the Tinglerverse. Vlad is one of these buses and is technically Bus 13.

“These living vehicles are rare but not unheard of, and my scoffing at one could be seen by some as racially insensitive.”

But there is something a little extra-different about Bus 13. Not only is it a “living bus,” but… dun dun dunnnn!!!!

It’s a vampire bus.

Our hero, Rick, of course ends up on Vlad (in more ways than one!) and he is your typical vampire bus: Eastern European accent, “incredibly handsome in a dark and brooding kind of way,” with a “muscular chest” and abs.

Vlad “takes the long route” and they go for a scenic drive, where Rick gets a woody because he can’t resist “the strange charisma of this handsome city vehicle.”

Vlad takes him back to his castle where he proceeds to make all of his “darkest fantasies come true.”

Guess what Vlad drinks instead of blood? Guess…

So, Vlad’s peen is inside the bus. Of course, this is another “gay for you” story with Rick never having been with another man before Vlad.

Can’t you imagine the accent as Vlad says: “How do you like that vampire bus c**k?”

“Oh my dark lord of the night!” Rick says. LOL

The ending is great! Rick is afraid Vlad is going to make him a bat, and he doesn’t. He makes him a living bus instead! hahaha

That wraps up this short little Freaky Friday edition. I never get tired of Tingle’s “living object” stories. hehe. Until next time, stay freaky.

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Freaky Friday: Halloween Traditions

I hope everyone is home safe on this unluckiest of days. And didn’t stupidly plan on traveling today. It is the unluckiest day and the month where the Veil is thinnest. I’m only partially joking. Superstitions like 13 and Fridays being unlucky in multiple cultures is enough for me to not discount it. The idea that the Veil is thinnest this time of year in MOST cultures is enough to make me believe. But unfortunately for the evil spirits running amok tonight, I’m willing to risk my life to dye my hair teal tomorrow. I’m either incredibly brave or stupid. You can decide.

Either way, we need to discuss something freaky today. There are just way too many reasons for us to do it. So I thought it might be fun to talk about the parts of Halloween that aren’t normally discussed. I’m sorry in advance if I ruin anything for you.

Just kidding, I’m not sorry at all.

It is fairly common knowledge that our modern Halloween Traditions are heavily influenced by the Celtic traditions of Samhain. But we have definitely sugar coated some of them.

1. Jack O’ Lanterns

A lot of people know the idea that Jack O’ Lanterns were used to ward against evil spirits. (Which is why you should be carving scary faces people!) But actually, before the popularity of pumpkins, other root vegetables like potatoes and turnips were used. They also served another purpose. They were temporary homes for the spirits of your dead ancestors when they came to visit.

Honey, I’m home!

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To me that is funny because I actually imagine little potatoes walking around possessed by people. The part that disturbs me is that he will never look the same now.

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2. Bonfires

Everyone loves a good bonfire. Gooey Smores, melted chocolate, a reason to snuggle close. And most people think that Samhain fires looked like this…

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There is even a lovely legend about how centuries ago, women would take an ember from fire and use it to start the fire in their own hearth. I personally don’t actually believe this happened. It’s very impractical. They traveled days to get to a festival. I also know how much history was rewritten to further an agenda. And let’s face it, there would be a reason to rewrite the next part.

What most people don’t realize is that Samhain was the Celtic New Year. The reason why these fires were so lucky is because sacrifices were made to guarantee the next year was fruitful. Sacrificing part of the harvest guaranteed the fields were plentiful. Sacrificing livestock insured the remaining animals stayed healthy. So what do you think villages that were constantly warring sacrificed? That’s right….. prisoners of war. Two birds, one stone. Less mouths to feed and the gods were kept happy.

(Sorry, I couldn’t find any truly disturbing images of people being burned as a human sacrifice. So please pause for a moment to imagine it.)

3. Pooka

So Pooka isn’t particularly disturbing. But it’s one of my favorites. And not very well known. Meet Pooka.

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Legend tells us that Pooka is a black ghost horse with fire eyes. He roams the countryside at night. Anyone extremely foolish enough to accept a ride is spirited off to Hell, never to be heard from again. Oh what a lovely way to go. Who doesn’t love horses? Oh that’s right, I don’t. But even if I did, I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t ride one with fire eyes. Craziness.

But…. that’s not the best part about Pooka. Since Samhain is the harvest festival, they had to make sure there was motivation for people to work to get the harvest in. (Apparently possible starvation wasn’t enough.) So on Samhain, Pooka rides through the countryside as usual; however he pees on all of the unharvested berries, and the crops still in the fields. His pee is extremely toxic, making all of it inedible. So if a Pooka moves into your neighborhood, you better not dawdle bringing in your crops.

I hope you really enjoy biting into that crisp apple the next time you are sitting around the fire. Or choosing the angry eyes the next time you play with Mr. Potatohead. It would be a shame if their origins made them less pleasant. Just remember, we still have a few weeks until Halloween, so you should be safe.

But why risk it?

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Freaky Friday: Creamed by the Cave Monsters (4 stars!)

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For this edition of Freaky Friday, we bring you an oldie, but goodie review from Goodreads. The short story is a weird, horror erotica piece that I liked, but not many other people seemed to. What else is new?

The Review:

Ok, 4 stars, I know I know. What is going on? But this was actually hilarious! Yeah, it’s smutty sex with cave creatures that look a little like this (only maybe not as mean):

But it actually has a plot and turns into a sort of weird horror story. Think “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” pregnancy scene only Edward is not there to cut the baby out with his teeth.

I can’t help it. This had tons of innuendo and funny and I never see these types of things go into a bizarre plot twist like this. It totally worked for me! HAHA

Recap: Some chick (her name isn’t important) goes spelunking by herself (of course) for college. She gets stuck in a dark cave and suddenly some creatures start banging her. She escapes the cave after they have had their way with her and kick her out (seriously, they kicked the biotch out and didn’t even help clean her up or anything). She goes back to college and SPOILER ALERT!

…ends up being pregnant with cave monster spawn, gives a presentation, and the baby comes clawing out of her womb. She lives. The End.

Brilliant! BAHAHA. Ok, maybe not brilliant. But a fun read. It’s very short and was free. I heard about it from Kelly and Dan, who were buddy reading it. So the MacHalo group, since we love stuff like this, decided to read it too.

End review.

My fellow bloggers Sam and Abby were not impressed. What can I say? I like the weird.

Until next time, stay freaky.

7ya8izz

 

Freaky Friday: Did you know….

So, I haven’t done a post in like a month or more. I know, I suck. I’m sorry.

But in my defense, not only did classes start back in August (for those who don’t know, I work full-time, go to school full-time, and must also parent full-time… that’s a lot of full-time shit going on right there), but we also just completed the 8th, yes 8th, audit of the year. Always a stressful time. Always. Anyhoo, to add to that, now that it’s all said and done, I am beginning to train with our Quality Assurance Manager so that I can take his place when he retires next year. Got lots of stuff going on right now. Maybe too much lol.

I am going to try to get my balance back, I swear, so that I can at least contribute a few times a month to our awesome blog. And one of my most favorite things EH-VAH is our Freaky Friday spots. We have, dare I say it, too much fun reading some of the freaky shit we read and researching some of the crazy stuff we post about (maggot cheese? I mean come on…we can’t make this stuff up) that I couldn’t let another Friday go by without participating. But, not only have I not written a blog post, I have also not read a damn thing. Makes it hard to write a post about a book. Details, details, I know. My suckage meter is still pinging out a little. But in the spirit of Freaky Friday, I’m going to let you guys in on some weird tid-bits that you may or may not already know and that you may or may not find interesting. Here it goes….

(Nic Cage is always suitable for Freaky Friday)

Did you know….

that condoms were made of linen once upon a time?  Also, horns. Actual horns. Really? I thought the linen was bad enough, but my poor vagina closes up just thinking about horns going anywhere near it. Read more on the history of condoms here.

that there is a whale who has been searching for a mate for over two decades? Apparently, his call is at a much higher frequency than others of his kind so that no whale ever responds. He’s been called the World’s Loneliest Whale. How’s that for heartbreaking? Read more about 52 (the whale) here.

that a lot of lipsticks are made using fish scales? It gives it a shimmery look. I must say, it gives a new meaning to “fish lips.” Read more here if you don’t take my word for it.

that the Roman’s found all sorts of uses for urine, including whitening their teeth? Well, I sure didn’t, but now I do. I wonder if you can add mint to that? Hmmm….You can find more here about the other uses the Romans found for urine…

that when a male honey bee mates with a queen, he ejaculates so explosively it basically blows his penis off inside the queen, then he falls to ground and dies? That better have been one hell of a bee-gasm. Just sayin. If you want to know more, check it out here.

that while a bee’s penis basically kills him, a dragonfly can use its penis to remove the ejaculate of another dragonfly from his mate? He won’t be needing Maury Povich to give him his result. Find out all you need to know about dragonfly mating and peen here.

that there is a rare condition called diphallia in which a man is born with not one, but TWO penises? Now, usually only one is functional and the other is removed, but there is a guy who goes by “DoubleDickDude” who claims to have two fully functional penises. What???? (apparently I am on a penis kick….huh.) Read more about this guy here.

(since I am still on the subject of penises and bugs), that formicophilia is the fetish for having bugs crawl on your genitals? Like, how does that even become a thing? Check out the Wiki page here to read more.

that a Polish brewery makes beer using the vaginal yeast of Czech model Alexandra Brendlov? Yeah, me neither. You’re welcome. If you don’t think this is real (like I did at first) check it out here.

that a Canadian radio station bought Britney Spear’s alleged used pregnancy test and then sold it for $5,001? Crazy. But it’s Britney, so I get it….kind if.

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Alright, I’m going it end it there folks. I know I certainly learned more about bug peens than I originally intended, but that’s just one of the hazards (and joys) of Freaky Friday.

Keep it weird!

Sam Says (1)

Freaky Friday – Is that an alien or an animal?!

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I thought we would do a post this week about freaky animals you may or may not know exist. They look like they should be in a science fiction or horror movie possibly, but these bizarre creatures are actually alive on this planet somewhere… right now. Maybe under your bed… Better check it out.

Here are my picks for weirdest animals.

The blobfish.

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Inhabiting the deep waters off the coast of Australia, New Zealand, and Tasmania, this creature is mainly gelatinous and floats around just eating whatever happens to be in front of its face. Boiled, with rosemary and turnips, it pairs well with a light white wine. (Just kidding.)

The pink fairy armadillo.

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Okay, this one is kind of cute and belongs in a Harry Potter movie or something, am I right? This little fellow likes the desert and can be found in Argentina.

The piglet squid.

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This mysterious creature lives in dark waters and has light producing organs to help it get around. Apparently, it can be found in oceans all around the world.

The zombie fish.

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Actually, this is just a poor salmon at the end of its life cycle. Their bodies begin decaying, which cause their teeth to protrude more and appear extra bitey. They are completely and totally focused on spawning and completing the circle of life, so we have to cut them some slack.

The flannel moth caterpillar.

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This is actually not a Donald Trump reject toupee (although it would probably be an improvement). These fellas live in North America and have a painful sting – so don’t touch!

And finally, I leave you with…

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Let’s just sit with that one for a bit.

Any clues what that handsome specimen is?

Nice teeth, eh?

Okay. Now that we are all sufficiently creeped out, that my friends, is an extreme close-up of an earthworm.

Okay, one more. I know you need an encore.

BONUS:

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A maggot under a microscope.

And that should be enough to give you nightmares tonight. I know I was definitely traumatized looking through the other Google images that search returned.

Until next time, stay Freaky.

7ya8izz

Freaky Friday: Taken by the T-Rex

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Dinosaur erotica. A lot of people who read romance know by now that this is a real thing. Dinosaur smut. Since I am never one to shy away from weirdness, of course I had to try one. Or twenty. Here is one I read awhile back, called Taken by the T-Rex, written by Christie Sims, who has also written Mating in Flight (read it; link is to my review at Goodreads) and  Ravaged by the Centaur (which I have not read; I need to get on that).

Anyhow, here is my review for Taken by the T-Rex. If you are daring and have not tried dinosaur erotica yet, you HAVE TO. Even when it’s bad, it’s still kinda good just because… dinosaur porn is cray cray!

The review:

Okay, so this didn’t suck (hehe), but I was hoping for more…

This story takes place when humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth together…

Oh wait, that never happened? Are you sure?

So here’s Drin.

She is a cave woman huntress. A T-Rex is always attacking her village and killing people. She’s the only one who wants to do something about it. Everyone else just wants to keep moving to a different spot and hope the dinosaur doesn’t find them. One day, Drin lures the T-Rex off to some traps she made. She ends up falling down, spread-eagle, and discovers the T-Rex has more in mind than just ripping her apart and eating her. (Well, he would rip her apart, but in a different way…)

A-a-a-a-a-n-d, this is the “huge” problem (hehe). Horny T-Rex is really big in more ways than one. Humans don’t have holes like this:

There’s no way he’s getting it in there.

How is this going to work? And this is where the story gets…weird.

Drin heroically figures out she can wrap her body around it, cling to him, and help T-Rex to… completion.

And when he does? It’s a little something like this. All over.

It made me feel a little like this:

But at least Drin has a “happy ending” too, from the friction against her girly parts.

I don’t know, I was a little disappointed. It seemed promising, but I was expecting… oh, more “taking” involved? I mean, if we can get a story where humans live alongside dinos, why not a dino that “fits” a human female somehow? You knows?

It was like, only a half-taking.

But it was kind of funny and I’m still glad I read it. I’m always on the look-out for cray cray, over the top stuff. hehe

END REVIEW.

So, until next time, stay Freaky peoples of the world. If you ever come across a horny dinosaur, remember, it is NOT going to fit. Unless he has a magical peen (which there are some of those stories out there too, haha).

Have a great weekend!

7ya8izz

 

Freaky Friday: To Fetish or Not to Fetish?

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In-between our weird Freaky Friday book reviews for strange erotica/smut, we try and shake things up by doing blogs about other “freaky” things. We did the doppelganger blog and the recent obscure (and gross) blog about freaky foods. Now, we briefly turn our focus to fetishes. Don’t be afraid now. Go to your special place, light a candle, say your safe word, and here we go…

We’ll go easy on you with the first one.

Dendrophilia: Sexual attraction to trees. Now, some of the information you find online about these things show real pictures of people and we don’t want to be… insensitive… to people’s personal choices. Ahem. So, I think this gif is safe to share to demonstrate what we are talking about here.

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Yes, some people have a real, sexual attraction to trees and take “tree-hugging” to a new extreme.

Autonepiophilia: Sexual fetish that involves role-playing as an infant. The focus is especially on wearing diapers and appears to usually involve women acting as the dominant “mother” figure and men as the infant.

I think this couple has “come out” publicly with this lifestyle, so here is an example:

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Oh dear. If you would like further details on this fetish, here you go.

Mechaphilia: A sexual attraction to cars or other vehicles. Here is a public story about a man who claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars.

“I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love,” he said.

 

“Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful.

 

“I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”

 

He added: “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”

Hey, whatever fires your engine up. As long as you aren’t hurting anybody.

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Knismolagnia: An arousal to being tickled. Me, I’ll punch someone if they tickle me. It’s involuntary. I just have to get away from the tickling. I can’t imagine physically being able to sit still long enough to breathe, let alone get off on this. But it’s a thing.

Actirasty: Getting turned on by the sun’s rays.

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This is a new one to me. How does this even work? This article might give you a few ideas (no graphic material, I promise, although there is a “pup play” article near the bottom of the page).

Okay, I think I’ve had enough and freaked myself out a-plenty for this week. We plan to do a Part Two sometime soon involving fetishes that people choose to partake in rather than feel compelled to – with book suggestions to accompany them as well!

Until next time, stay freaky, but maybe not TOO freaky, eh?

7ya8izz