Freaky Friday: Holiday “Niche” Erotica

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Last week, I posted Freaky Friday: Old St. Nick’s Gender Swap Trick, so I thought we would keep going with more holiday erotica since it is so close to Christmas. I have actually read all of these – FOR SCIENCE. You might notice a lot of Krampus titles, but that is because Krampus is awesome. I actually think there should be more holiday erotica written – the kind with Santa and elves and snowmen, etc. It kind of fits in there with the monster/living objects stuff. I bet some of you don’t even know what living object erotica is, do you? Newbs! LOL.

Here are some titles I thought I would share. They are all found at Amazon in the Kindle store.

My favorites are Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man andanything by Chuck Tingle. The Captured by Krampus one is worth a shot because his tongue reminded me of a tentacle and you can never have too much tentacles!

Some of the author names are funny alone, like Hauten Whett, Edmund Quimlove.

So, if you’re feeling adventurous and willing to do some SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, check one out. Remember, no one can see the cover if it’s on your Kindle!

Okay, so that wraps it up for now. Until next time, stay freaky.

 

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A Truly Freaky Friday: MacHalo’s Halloween Edition

Hey guys!

So this Freaky Friday is REALLY special.

Do you know why?

I bet you can guess.

Come on. Just try. Do it. Do it. DO IT!

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Did you do it? Did you give in to peer pressure and hazard a guess? Yes! Thank you. I knew that would work.  So, if you guessed that this Friday is super special because it is the Friday before Halloween, then you are correct my friend!

Ding, ding, ding! Give the reader a prize, Bob!

Kidding. I have no idea who Bob is and I sure don’t have any prizes. Sorry :/

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JT does not look amused. Uh, oh.

Okay, moving on. Where were we? Ah, yes. A special Freaky Friday. Since this is the last Friday before Halloween I wanted to give you guys something truly incredible. I wanted something different, something unique, something totally bizarre. So what did I do? Why I scoured the interwebs (aka Kindle Unlimited because they have a hella monstery smut) looking for the perfect Halloween treat, of course.  And wouldn’t you know it? There’s a TON to choose from. So in the pursuit of a balanced variety, and because this needed to be a super Freaky Friday, I chose not one, not two, but THREE titles to delve into for your reading pleasure. And for science of course. Always for science.

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 Pleasured by the Pumpkin by Callie Snow

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“No one decent goes into that place, Miss,” he said. “And if they do, they ain’t decent when they come out.”

Jacinta was born on Halloween so has always had a really strong connection to the holiday. She receives a summons from her elderly distant relative (wtf?) named Dr. Badlove to come to the House of Halloween to meet her fate….

First of all, why in the hell is an elderly distant relative sending her an invite to a monster sex house? Like, how fucked up is that? I hope he’s not hoping to get in on that action, that’s all I’m saying.

Anyway, so Jacinta arrives at the driveway to the house and the cabbie is having none of it. Nuh-uh, no way, no how is he driving up to that den of depravity. But it’s cool, because Jacinta likes depravity. She decides she’s okay with her chances and starts walking up the spooky driveway. The anticipation alone is enough to get her vag juices flowing.  In the end, she just can’t keep herself away from herself so decides to take care of business right there in the driveway. And thank goodness for that. Who knows what could have happened between there and the house.

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Self love: it’s the key to happiness folks.

By now, Jacinta has arrived at the house and is once again throbbing with want (seriously?). She begins to climb the steps, only to be greeted at the top by a “menacingly sexy jack o’ lantern.” Ooooookay. So, obviously (for science) I googled “sexy jack o’ lantern” just to get an idea of what we were dealing with here. Man, I’d post some of my findings but people get super graphic with these pumpkins. If you don’t take my word for it, google it yourself. People will put penises on ANYTHING.

Anyway, now we have Jacinta on the porch with her sexy jack o’ lantern so you can imagine what’s about to go down now, am I right?

“Give me some of that ass,” he says, and Jacinta is more than compliant. Apparently our pumpkin boy has some mad motor-boating skills,  because that’s literally all it takes to give our ever wet and horny Jacinta the best orgasm of her life. And he’s only getting started, folks.

Here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

Its candle flame gave way to pulsating multicolored club lights, and it started singing a surprisingly accurate rendition of  “Gangnam Style.” (because he wanted her to be his sexy lady)

and,

“Call me Peter,” he said.

“Peter?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re a pumpkin named Peter?”

“Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,” the pumpkin replied. “Now lie back and let me should you how I got my name.”

and last, but not least,

She just kept screaming, and humping that pumpkin’s hot smile. 

This is supposedly not the last of Jacinta’s sexy Halloween adventures. I mean, she hasn’t even made it into the house yet. Who knows what carnal delights await her there. This was a really silly story and, while it may have been weird sex-wise (I mean, motor-boating…really?), I did chuckle a few times. On to the next one, my fellow freak lover.

 ABDL at Halloween by Carmen Quick

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Now, if you’re like me, meaning a somewhat sane and rational adult, you may not know what ABDL is. I looked at this cover with a tagline that read “Taboo Forbidden ABDL / Age Play Erotica Box Set” and thought,

“Why the hell not?”

Well, let me tell you what ABDL is and what this set is not.

ABDL is and acronym for Adult Baby Diaper Lover. Yes, adults who like to dress like babies, diapers and all. Eh, I just read a story about a jack o’ lantern who can motor-boat a pussy to completion so why not? This is definitely on the right track for a Freaky Friday Halloween Delight.

Right?

Wrong. So wrong.

Um, first off…there’s definitely not a lot of “erotic” going on here.

The first story, Trick or Treat in Diapers, is a lame story about some lame guy who wants to win a lame costume contest so decides to dress up as the season fall (that’s really the best you could do, dude?) which is the lame frosting on the lame cake.

Did I mention it was lame?

Anyhoo, he buys a jumpsuit and realizes he can’t take it off once it’s on because that sucker glues shut. What’s a lame dude to do? That’s right, wear a friggin diaper. At first he’s mildly ashamed but “slowly, the thought of quietly, secretly peeing while I was among people began to excite me.” And somewhere down the line the diaper starts making him feel sexy.

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So he glues a whole bunch of leaves and shit to his costume and come Halloween, he is ready to go trick or treating with his girlfriend (who just so happens to be last year’s costume winner.)

In his mind, he is this majestic representation of the fall season, with beautifully cascading leaves and chestnuts, but to everyone else he looks kinda like this guy..

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Thinking that there’s no way he’s going to win the costume contest now that he knows everyone thinks his costume is ridiculous,  he starts drinking and pissing, filling that diaper up to the brim with no one the wiser.

“…the knowledge that I’d been walking around all night without anyone knowing that I’d been wearing a diaper had me feeling so excited.”

But, lo and behold, he wins the costume contest because his costume was most entertaining (because honestly, what person dresses up as “Fall” for Halloween?) As he walks up on stage to collect his prize, he falls and literally shits himself. Like a loud, stinky shit. The entire party now knows he’s wearing a diaper. His girlfriend dumps him, he never speaks to his friends again, but he does find someone who loves his new baby lifestyle, so I guess that’s a plus, right?

Gah, all of that and there was nothing remotely erotic about it.

 

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The next story, Diapered at Halloween, is about a kid, Bobby, who’s suffered with incontinence his entire life, but especially after his parents die. And scary movies? Forget about it. They make him piss his pants faster than you can say the word, “Boo.” So imagine his chagrin when his bff from next door, Elaine, who also happens to be his secret crush, asks him to take her to see The Exorcist. He couldn’t very well say no, now could he? But how was he supposed to go to see the scary movie with his little problem? What’s an 18 year old with a spastic bladder to do?

Why wear his teenage pull-ups of course, silly.

Now, he may be small everywhere else but he makes sure to let us readers know that his penis is all man, baby. He pulls that pull-up on and it bulges alluring over his crotch. In fact, it begins to arouse him like nothing else has in months. This may be the answer to all of his problems!

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But alas, sadly it is not meant to be. You see, this story ends in tragedy.

He makes it to the movie all right, and of course he pisses himself at the first opportunity. I mean, why wouldn’t he?

“I began to relax a little, to sit deeper into my seat, and enjoy the continuing rush of warm, wet liquid, making the padding around my dick nice and warm and wet. It was like sinking deep into a warm bath…” OF HIS OWN URINE.

But then Elaine starts to get a little handsy, with her fingers tiptoeing up his leg toward his now urine filled diaper. He becomes so panicked he has a heart attack and dies right there in the movie theater. I kid you not. That’s where this story goes.

Now Bobby haunts his house as a diaper wearing boy-man-ghost. But there is a upside to this story…he gets to lurk all ghost perv like in Elaine’s room and

“as I watch her, I tenderly rub the padded, soft fabric over my ghost-hard cock, and, if I’m lucky, I’ll even spill a little ectoplasm over her.”

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And the last story in this collection is Hannah’s Humiliating Halloween.

I’ll make this one quick.

Hannah has never celebrated Halloween before (because she’s a good Christian) but Halloween happens to be her new boyfriend’s favorite holiday. So, she says, “Fuck it! I’m in!” and lets him pick out a costume for her while she picks a costume for him.  Blah, blah, blah, he picks out a baby outfit for her, complete with diaper and teddy. He then makes her crawl everywhere, even house to house for trick or treating, and of course makes her drink his “milk”.

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I don’t know if this ends up being just a fucked up Dom/sub deal, but at the of the story she says October 31st is the only day she’s visible. Every other day of the year she fades away from other’s eyes, where she lives basically as a baby and only Corey (her freaky boyfriend) can see her. It’s kinda sad, really.

So, that was the last from the ABDL at Halloween collection. Thank God. Needless to say, this was a kinda weird and pretty non-erotic collection of stories. I did, however, appreciate the lack of true happy endings for them all. At least that made the tales marginally more interesting.

And last, but not least…

Trick or Treat Gender Swap by Candy Banger (classic!)

Trick Or Treat Gender Swap by [Banger, Candy]

So apparently, gender swapping is the new “it” thing in this bad erotica genre. In the name of all things scientific, I had to check it out. Turns out, in this case anyway, gender swapping makes it okay for a dude to lust after his best dude friend and still be straight? Is that what’s happening here? I have no idea.

Anyway. The two 18 year old studs are trick or treating and happen upon a house occupied by a mysterious woman with huge tits. Dude 2 (Brad) can’t keep his eyes off her chest, but Dude 1 (Jed) is a little more circumspect and respectful. She offers them her special drink, which has been brewing all day in her cauldron (helloooooo!!!???)but rude Brad says no-way (I’m with ya, Brad) while polite Jed can’t refuse, even though it looks like some kind of toxic brew. Again, from a cauldron.

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Jed, being the sucker he is, drinks it down. And to his absolute surprise, not only is it delicious, it also allows him to see the big jugged woman for what she truly is, a succubus witch woman thing. And now he gets to be one too! Hooray! Jed’s body begins the transformation into that of a woman, complete with a killer rack and a super sensitive clit (which is way better than a penis in Jed’s eyes).

“It was like my whole dick has been reduced to the size of a pea, but was just as sensitive. No-more sensitive.”

And now this new and improved Jed needs cock. ASAP. And guess who just so happens to have one of those? Brad! Brad, who has no idea what happened to Jed, but only knows now there is this smoking hot woman wanting to sit on his dick.

So of course he goes for it.

“I enveloped his hot meat with my pussy.”

(lines like that always make me laugh.)

And let’s not forget our other succubus witch demon lady, who I guess Brad can no longer see? Well, now she is sporting a monstrous cock and wants to get in on the action too. So yep, we now have ourselves a 3-way.

“I moaned, and we all came, the three of us; me clutching my pussy, as the unbearable sensations pulsed around my body, Brad’s dick beat into me like a hammer, and the witch’s vile penis sprayed sweet-tasting seed into my mouth.”

And I guess they all lived happily ever after?

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I have no idea if Jed gets to remain a woman, or if Brad ever finds out that he just fucked his best friend. And is Jed really a succubus? I thought they killed their lovers, or at least take their energy.  I have so many questions!

Of all the titles that I so painstakingly read for your enjoyment readers (not mine, I abhor monster smut erotica trash),  this gender swap one was definitely the most erotic. Well erotic in the most literal sense of the word, anyway. The pumpkin one was really silly and the diaper ones were weird and a little sad. All in all, I’d say this venture into Halloween erotica was a bust.

Sam Says (1)

I wanted to find an amazing monsterotica gem in the rough to commemorate this Halloween Edition of Freaky Friday, but I’m just not convinced that I did. It’s got to be out there, somewhere, waiting for me. I’ll keep reading this absurd monster smut, for you guys only of course-not for myself because I’m a sensible adult and sensible adults DO NOT READ this erotic garbage, if you guys keep tuning in.  Plus, science.

Have a safe and happy Halloween, y’all!!

 

 

 

“Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt” by Chuck Tingle

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I read this as part of the MacHalo group’s little Halloween buddy smut challenge.

Some buses are sentient in the Tinglerverse. Vlad is one of these buses and is technically Bus 13.

“These living vehicles are rare but not unheard of, and my scoffing at one could be seen by some as racially insensitive.”

But there is something a little extra-different about Bus 13. Not only is it a “living bus,” but… dun dun dunnnn!!!!

It’s a vampire bus.

Our hero, Rick, of course ends up on Vlad (in more ways than one!) and he is your typical vampire bus: Eastern European accent, “incredibly handsome in a dark and brooding kind of way,” with a “muscular chest” and abs.

Vlad “takes the long route” and they go for a scenic drive, where Rick gets a woody because he can’t resist “the strange charisma of this handsome city vehicle.”

Vlad takes him back to his castle where he proceeds to make all of his “darkest fantasies come true.”

Guess what Vlad drinks instead of blood? Guess…

So, Vlad’s peen is inside the bus. Of course, this is another “gay for you” story with Rick never having been with another man before Vlad.

Can’t you imagine the accent as Vlad says: “How do you like that vampire bus c**k?”

“Oh my dark lord of the night!” Rick says. LOL

The ending is great! Rick is afraid Vlad is going to make him a bat, and he doesn’t. He makes him a living bus instead! hahaha

That wraps up this short little Freaky Friday edition. I never get tired of Tingle’s “living object” stories. hehe. Until next time, stay freaky.

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Freaky Friday: Creamed by the Cave Monsters (4 stars!)

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For this edition of Freaky Friday, we bring you an oldie, but goodie review from Goodreads. The short story is a weird, horror erotica piece that I liked, but not many other people seemed to. What else is new?

The Review:

Ok, 4 stars, I know I know. What is going on? But this was actually hilarious! Yeah, it’s smutty sex with cave creatures that look a little like this (only maybe not as mean):

But it actually has a plot and turns into a sort of weird horror story. Think “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” pregnancy scene only Edward is not there to cut the baby out with his teeth.

I can’t help it. This had tons of innuendo and funny and I never see these types of things go into a bizarre plot twist like this. It totally worked for me! HAHA

Recap: Some chick (her name isn’t important) goes spelunking by herself (of course) for college. She gets stuck in a dark cave and suddenly some creatures start banging her. She escapes the cave after they have had their way with her and kick her out (seriously, they kicked the biotch out and didn’t even help clean her up or anything). She goes back to college and SPOILER ALERT!

…ends up being pregnant with cave monster spawn, gives a presentation, and the baby comes clawing out of her womb. She lives. The End.

Brilliant! BAHAHA. Ok, maybe not brilliant. But a fun read. It’s very short and was free. I heard about it from Kelly and Dan, who were buddy reading it. So the MacHalo group, since we love stuff like this, decided to read it too.

End review.

My fellow bloggers Sam and Abby were not impressed. What can I say? I like the weird.

Until next time, stay freaky.

7ya8izz

 

Freaky Friday: Taken by the T-Rex

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Dinosaur erotica. A lot of people who read romance know by now that this is a real thing. Dinosaur smut. Since I am never one to shy away from weirdness, of course I had to try one. Or twenty. Here is one I read awhile back, called Taken by the T-Rex, written by Christie Sims, who has also written Mating in Flight (read it; link is to my review at Goodreads) and  Ravaged by the Centaur (which I have not read; I need to get on that).

Anyhow, here is my review for Taken by the T-Rex. If you are daring and have not tried dinosaur erotica yet, you HAVE TO. Even when it’s bad, it’s still kinda good just because… dinosaur porn is cray cray!

The review:

Okay, so this didn’t suck (hehe), but I was hoping for more…

This story takes place when humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth together…

Oh wait, that never happened? Are you sure?

So here’s Drin.

She is a cave woman huntress. A T-Rex is always attacking her village and killing people. She’s the only one who wants to do something about it. Everyone else just wants to keep moving to a different spot and hope the dinosaur doesn’t find them. One day, Drin lures the T-Rex off to some traps she made. She ends up falling down, spread-eagle, and discovers the T-Rex has more in mind than just ripping her apart and eating her. (Well, he would rip her apart, but in a different way…)

A-a-a-a-a-n-d, this is the “huge” problem (hehe). Horny T-Rex is really big in more ways than one. Humans don’t have holes like this:

There’s no way he’s getting it in there.

How is this going to work? And this is where the story gets…weird.

Drin heroically figures out she can wrap her body around it, cling to him, and help T-Rex to… completion.

And when he does? It’s a little something like this. All over.

It made me feel a little like this:

But at least Drin has a “happy ending” too, from the friction against her girly parts.

I don’t know, I was a little disappointed. It seemed promising, but I was expecting… oh, more “taking” involved? I mean, if we can get a story where humans live alongside dinos, why not a dino that “fits” a human female somehow? You knows?

It was like, only a half-taking.

But it was kind of funny and I’m still glad I read it. I’m always on the look-out for cray cray, over the top stuff. hehe

END REVIEW.

So, until next time, stay Freaky peoples of the world. If you ever come across a horny dinosaur, remember, it is NOT going to fit. Unless he has a magical peen (which there are some of those stories out there too, haha).

Have a great weekend!

7ya8izz

 

Alien vs. Debbie: An Erotic Adventure

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This Freaky Friday edition is about a short story I read last year and is hands down one of the best alien smuts I have EVER read. First of all, look at this glorious cover:

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It’s written by someone named Emma Steele, and she doesn’t have a whole lot of titles under this name. Unfortunately. This had humor, was well-written, and just flipping ROCKED. Here is my review from Goodreads.

My name is Debbie Archer. I’m 50 feet tall and I can’t get enough of the monster peen. But being so tall, regular peen just isn’t realistic for me anymore. So I had to go and screw Godzilla, and it was AMAZING. It even activated my kundalini and my chakras got all tuned up! Then, I got sucked through a wormhole and somehow ended up regular sized again, on a ship in 1987 with… Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, and Veronica Cartwright?!?!

Debbie: To top that off, they tell me they have a mission to capture all these TV aliens in space that somehow really exist because of complicated science reasons I don’t really understand – and then they show me where they’ve got them all locked up, so of course, after I screw the humans, I end up doing the aliens! ALF was there, some reptilian from Star Trek, Mork from Mork & Mindy, the Great Magoo, and some others … but these guys made the biggest impression…

Yep, I did them both. And loved it!

He’s got a three inch peen!

See that glowing finger? Well, it’s HOT, literally, and he likes to stick it places. The perv.

Anyway, I’m insatiable, and unstoppable, just like the Sia song! You’ll have to read it for yourself to find out what happens after the Xenomorph from Aliens shoots his creature sauce all over the spaceship (hint: that shizz eats through everything but diamonds). I have to go now because I see someone – something? – else I need to have sex with! Byeeee!

Me: Thanks Debbie, I’m sure everyone will want to read your story now!

So, I’m not sure if this is some bizarre version of fan fiction?

Whatever it is, I thought it was great. This really appealed to my inner sci-fi geek, as well as being hilarious. This was actually written very well and incorporates a lot of fun sci-fi theories and fantastic satire. This may be the best monster porn/smut I’ve ever read. It was gross, but so over the top, I just laughed.

I don’t usually give monster porn five stars (or even rate it usually because, while it satisfies my bizarre and twisted cravings, they are not usually all that). But this one? This one, my friends, is how it’s done. Take notes, authors of niche erotica, because this, for what it is, is freaking BRILLIANT! Yep, I’m going there. This was hilarious and awesome!

7ya8izz

Until next time: stay freaky.

Freaky Friday: I F***** the Puppet

Ha! I’ve got your attention now, don’t I?  I told you last week that we would return full force this Friday with a signature MacHalo special…and I always keep my promises.

Now, we’ve read a lot of weird stuff in the past, especially when it comes to niche erotica. We aren’t scared to go where no sane person has gone before. Well, besides the author, of course (obviously that person has issues—j/k! we love you Fannie Tucker!), but you get what I mean. So when we came across this little story, we knew it was kismet. You know what  it’s like when you have a craving but you just can’t seem to put your finger on what it is but then you walk by a shop and there’s this scrumptious smell wafting out and then it hits you that you need almonds coated in cocoa and espresso powder? Well this is kinda like that. We were craving puppet porn only we didn’t realize it until this story reached out and slapped us in the face with its big, green, three fingered hand.

Let’s get to it then, shall we?

First, meet our sexually deviant kids show host, Dongo.  He loves kids, rhyming, dub-con and bondage.

 

Say hi everyone.

Next, we have our aspiring young dancer, Emily. She’s in to, well dancing, and apparently she’s REALLY in to puppets. Or rather, a puppet is about to be really in to her.

Hey Emily!

Emily is a classically trained ballerina who is currently a back-up dancer on a kids show just waiting on her big break. After a small costume malfunction and a trip to wardrobe after the show, Emily finds herself alone in the studio wearing nothing but her bra and panties. What’s a girl to do? Put some clothes on? Nah. She’s to perform Swan Lake of course.

Only, Emily is not really alone. Her good pal Dongo is lurking in the shadows and her performance has  him all worked up. Now what’s a giant puppet to do? Not be horny? Nah, silly. He’s going to make Emily his puppet for the night of course.

“Dancer girl, close your eyes! Dongo has a fun surprise!” 

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This had the benefit of being funny, but funny in that extremely bizarre way that makes you feel a little weird inside. Like “should I be laughing at this because it is pretty terrible?” kind of funny. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway. This living “puppet”, and puppet is very loose description because he’s like this 6-foot tall furry blob with googly eyes and a cavernous mouth who supposedly has strings that hold him up, takes Emily and ties her up using these same strings and tells her she’s going to like it getting oohha-ed in her hoo-ha.

“Uh-hoo! Uh-hoo! The ropes are tight! A puppet friend for me tonight!”

So yeah, we definitely have some dub con with this one, even though after that she’s just like,

“Eh, what the hell? How often do you get the chance to blow a kid’s TV show puppet?”

Too true Emily, too true.

Let me just say Dongo was so texturely unappealing. He is literally covered in shag carpet. Like everywhere, his monster dong included. The whole time reading this all I could think about was matted down fur and how weird that would feel against the tongue, not to mention other body parts. It brings a whole new light to the term “shagging.” Not to mention RUG BURN. Gross and ouch!

Here are some highlights for you:

“You dance like a magical fairy!” Dongo said, then made a clumsy attempt to put himself in attitude en point. “Between those boobs, my face I’ll bury!” (I told you he likes rhyming!)

My thighs tightened against his wide, frumpy hips, and I dug my fingers into the fur of his shoulders as pleasure exploded inside of me.

…I tasted something like candy. I glanced down and saw that Dongo’s spunk glistening in every color of the rainbow. 

There’s nothing like some iridescent splooge that tastes like candy, am I right?

If you think you might want to check it out, here’s the link. All you Kindle Unlimited members are in luck! Most of Ms. Tucker’s books are available with the subscription. And if not? Well, that’s what we’re here for: so you can be entertained by monster smut guilt free.

Until next time, you honorary MacHalo freaks!

Sam Says (1)

Have any ideas or suggestions for our next Freaky Friday post? We’d love to hear from you!