“Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt” by Chuck Tingle

BeFunkyPhoto

I read this as part of the MacHalo group’s little Halloween buddy smut challenge.

Some buses are sentient in the Tinglerverse. Vlad is one of these buses and is technically Bus 13.

“These living vehicles are rare but not unheard of, and my scoffing at one could be seen by some as racially insensitive.”

But there is something a little extra-different about Bus 13. Not only is it a “living bus,” but… dun dun dunnnn!!!!

It’s a vampire bus.

Our hero, Rick, of course ends up on Vlad (in more ways than one!) and he is your typical vampire bus: Eastern European accent, “incredibly handsome in a dark and brooding kind of way,” with a “muscular chest” and abs.

Vlad “takes the long route” and they go for a scenic drive, where Rick gets a woody because he can’t resist “the strange charisma of this handsome city vehicle.”

Vlad takes him back to his castle where he proceeds to make all of his “darkest fantasies come true.”

Guess what Vlad drinks instead of blood? Guess…

So, Vlad’s peen is inside the bus. Of course, this is another “gay for you” story with Rick never having been with another man before Vlad.

Can’t you imagine the accent as Vlad says: “How do you like that vampire bus c**k?”

“Oh my dark lord of the night!” Rick says. LOL

The ending is great! Rick is afraid Vlad is going to make him a bat, and he doesn’t. He makes him a living bus instead! hahaha

That wraps up this short little Freaky Friday edition. I never get tired of Tingle’s “living object” stories. hehe. Until next time, stay freaky.

1791987

Advertisements

Freaky Friday: Creamed by the Cave Monsters (4 stars!)

BeFunkyPhoto

For this edition of Freaky Friday, we bring you an oldie, but goodie review from Goodreads. The short story is a weird, horror erotica piece that I liked, but not many other people seemed to. What else is new?

The Review:

Ok, 4 stars, I know I know. What is going on? But this was actually hilarious! Yeah, it’s smutty sex with cave creatures that look a little like this (only maybe not as mean):

But it actually has a plot and turns into a sort of weird horror story. Think “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” pregnancy scene only Edward is not there to cut the baby out with his teeth.

I can’t help it. This had tons of innuendo and funny and I never see these types of things go into a bizarre plot twist like this. It totally worked for me! HAHA

Recap: Some chick (her name isn’t important) goes spelunking by herself (of course) for college. She gets stuck in a dark cave and suddenly some creatures start banging her. She escapes the cave after they have had their way with her and kick her out (seriously, they kicked the biotch out and didn’t even help clean her up or anything). She goes back to college and SPOILER ALERT!

…ends up being pregnant with cave monster spawn, gives a presentation, and the baby comes clawing out of her womb. She lives. The End.

Brilliant! BAHAHA. Ok, maybe not brilliant. But a fun read. It’s very short and was free. I heard about it from Kelly and Dan, who were buddy reading it. So the MacHalo group, since we love stuff like this, decided to read it too.

End review.

My fellow bloggers Sam and Abby were not impressed. What can I say? I like the weird.

Until next time, stay freaky.

7ya8izz

 

Freaky Friday: Taken by the T-Rex

BeFunkyPhoto

Dinosaur erotica. A lot of people who read romance know by now that this is a real thing. Dinosaur smut. Since I am never one to shy away from weirdness, of course I had to try one. Or twenty. Here is one I read awhile back, called Taken by the T-Rex, written by Christie Sims, who has also written Mating in Flight (read it; link is to my review at Goodreads) and  Ravaged by the Centaur (which I have not read; I need to get on that).

Anyhow, here is my review for Taken by the T-Rex. If you are daring and have not tried dinosaur erotica yet, you HAVE TO. Even when it’s bad, it’s still kinda good just because… dinosaur porn is cray cray!

The review:

Okay, so this didn’t suck (hehe), but I was hoping for more…

This story takes place when humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth together…

Oh wait, that never happened? Are you sure?

So here’s Drin.

She is a cave woman huntress. A T-Rex is always attacking her village and killing people. She’s the only one who wants to do something about it. Everyone else just wants to keep moving to a different spot and hope the dinosaur doesn’t find them. One day, Drin lures the T-Rex off to some traps she made. She ends up falling down, spread-eagle, and discovers the T-Rex has more in mind than just ripping her apart and eating her. (Well, he would rip her apart, but in a different way…)

A-a-a-a-a-n-d, this is the “huge” problem (hehe). Horny T-Rex is really big in more ways than one. Humans don’t have holes like this:

There’s no way he’s getting it in there.

How is this going to work? And this is where the story gets…weird.

Drin heroically figures out she can wrap her body around it, cling to him, and help T-Rex to… completion.

And when he does? It’s a little something like this. All over.

It made me feel a little like this:

But at least Drin has a “happy ending” too, from the friction against her girly parts.

I don’t know, I was a little disappointed. It seemed promising, but I was expecting… oh, more “taking” involved? I mean, if we can get a story where humans live alongside dinos, why not a dino that “fits” a human female somehow? You knows?

It was like, only a half-taking.

But it was kind of funny and I’m still glad I read it. I’m always on the look-out for cray cray, over the top stuff. hehe

END REVIEW.

So, until next time, stay Freaky peoples of the world. If you ever come across a horny dinosaur, remember, it is NOT going to fit. Unless he has a magical peen (which there are some of those stories out there too, haha).

Have a great weekend!

7ya8izz

 

Alien vs. Debbie: An Erotic Adventure

BeFunkyPhoto

This Freaky Friday edition is about a short story I read last year and is hands down one of the best alien smuts I have EVER read. First of all, look at this glorious cover:

25305565

It’s written by someone named Emma Steele, and she doesn’t have a whole lot of titles under this name. Unfortunately. This had humor, was well-written, and just flipping ROCKED. Here is my review from Goodreads.

My name is Debbie Archer. I’m 50 feet tall and I can’t get enough of the monster peen. But being so tall, regular peen just isn’t realistic for me anymore. So I had to go and screw Godzilla, and it was AMAZING. It even activated my kundalini and my chakras got all tuned up! Then, I got sucked through a wormhole and somehow ended up regular sized again, on a ship in 1987 with… Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, and Veronica Cartwright?!?!

Debbie: To top that off, they tell me they have a mission to capture all these TV aliens in space that somehow really exist because of complicated science reasons I don’t really understand – and then they show me where they’ve got them all locked up, so of course, after I screw the humans, I end up doing the aliens! ALF was there, some reptilian from Star Trek, Mork from Mork & Mindy, the Great Magoo, and some others … but these guys made the biggest impression…

Yep, I did them both. And loved it!

He’s got a three inch peen!

See that glowing finger? Well, it’s HOT, literally, and he likes to stick it places. The perv.

Anyway, I’m insatiable, and unstoppable, just like the Sia song! You’ll have to read it for yourself to find out what happens after the Xenomorph from Aliens shoots his creature sauce all over the spaceship (hint: that shizz eats through everything but diamonds). I have to go now because I see someone – something? – else I need to have sex with! Byeeee!

Me: Thanks Debbie, I’m sure everyone will want to read your story now!

So, I’m not sure if this is some bizarre version of fan fiction?

Whatever it is, I thought it was great. This really appealed to my inner sci-fi geek, as well as being hilarious. This was actually written very well and incorporates a lot of fun sci-fi theories and fantastic satire. This may be the best monster porn/smut I’ve ever read. It was gross, but so over the top, I just laughed.

I don’t usually give monster porn five stars (or even rate it usually because, while it satisfies my bizarre and twisted cravings, they are not usually all that). But this one? This one, my friends, is how it’s done. Take notes, authors of niche erotica, because this, for what it is, is freaking BRILLIANT! Yep, I’m going there. This was hilarious and awesome!

7ya8izz

Until next time: stay freaky.

Freaky Friday: I F***** the Puppet

Ha! I’ve got your attention now, don’t I?  I told you last week that we would return full force this Friday with a signature MacHalo special…and I always keep my promises.

Now, we’ve read a lot of weird stuff in the past, especially when it comes to niche erotica. We aren’t scared to go where no sane person has gone before. Well, besides the author, of course (obviously that person has issues—j/k! we love you Fannie Tucker!), but you get what I mean. So when we came across this little story, we knew it was kismet. You know what  it’s like when you have a craving but you just can’t seem to put your finger on what it is but then you walk by a shop and there’s this scrumptious smell wafting out and then it hits you that you need almonds coated in cocoa and espresso powder? Well this is kinda like that. We were craving puppet porn only we didn’t realize it until this story reached out and slapped us in the face with its big, green, three fingered hand.

Let’s get to it then, shall we?

First, meet our sexually deviant kids show host, Dongo.  He loves kids, rhyming, dub-con and bondage.

 

Say hi everyone.

Next, we have our aspiring young dancer, Emily. She’s in to, well dancing, and apparently she’s REALLY in to puppets. Or rather, a puppet is about to be really in to her.

Hey Emily!

Emily is a classically trained ballerina who is currently a back-up dancer on a kids show just waiting on her big break. After a small costume malfunction and a trip to wardrobe after the show, Emily finds herself alone in the studio wearing nothing but her bra and panties. What’s a girl to do? Put some clothes on? Nah. She’s to perform Swan Lake of course.

Only, Emily is not really alone. Her good pal Dongo is lurking in the shadows and her performance has  him all worked up. Now what’s a giant puppet to do? Not be horny? Nah, silly. He’s going to make Emily his puppet for the night of course.

“Dancer girl, close your eyes! Dongo has a fun surprise!” 

Image result for silly goose meme

This had the benefit of being funny, but funny in that extremely bizarre way that makes you feel a little weird inside. Like “should I be laughing at this because it is pretty terrible?” kind of funny. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway. This living “puppet”, and puppet is very loose description because he’s like this 6-foot tall furry blob with googly eyes and a cavernous mouth who supposedly has strings that hold him up, takes Emily and ties her up using these same strings and tells her she’s going to like it getting oohha-ed in her hoo-ha.

“Uh-hoo! Uh-hoo! The ropes are tight! A puppet friend for me tonight!”

So yeah, we definitely have some dub con with this one, even though after that she’s just like,

“Eh, what the hell? How often do you get the chance to blow a kid’s TV show puppet?”

Too true Emily, too true.

Let me just say Dongo was so texturely unappealing. He is literally covered in shag carpet. Like everywhere, his monster dong included. The whole time reading this all I could think about was matted down fur and how weird that would feel against the tongue, not to mention other body parts. It brings a whole new light to the term “shagging.” Not to mention RUG BURN. Gross and ouch!

Here are some highlights for you:

“You dance like a magical fairy!” Dongo said, then made a clumsy attempt to put himself in attitude en point. “Between those boobs, my face I’ll bury!” (I told you he likes rhyming!)

My thighs tightened against his wide, frumpy hips, and I dug my fingers into the fur of his shoulders as pleasure exploded inside of me.

…I tasted something like candy. I glanced down and saw that Dongo’s spunk glistening in every color of the rainbow. 

There’s nothing like some iridescent splooge that tastes like candy, am I right?

If you think you might want to check it out, here’s the link. All you Kindle Unlimited members are in luck! Most of Ms. Tucker’s books are available with the subscription. And if not? Well, that’s what we’re here for: so you can be entertained by monster smut guilt free.

Until next time, you honorary MacHalo freaks!

Sam Says (1)

Have any ideas or suggestions for our next Freaky Friday post? We’d love to hear from you!

Freaky Friday: Fannie Tucker’s World of Weird Erotica

BeFunkyPhoto

It’s that time of the week again. Already. Did this week fly by or was it just me? Warning: adult content ahead.

Our subject for this edition is Fannie Tucker, author of such gems as:

Ms. Tucker has tackled the Jersey Devil, jungle vines, plushies, ogres, clowns, puppets, magic pebbles, werebunnies, cavemen… basically anything you can think of.

We MacHalos love her! We even created a list at Goodreads inspired by her and Chuck Tingle: The MacHalo Group’s Best Niche Erotica.

She slays it. Some of her naughty tales lean towards horror erotica and some are just hilarious.

If you’re feeling adventurous, try one of her stories out. They are very short and some are even free with Kindle Unlimited.

Fannie Tucker’s Amazon page.

Until next time, stay freaky!

7ya8izz

Martian Ants Need Love Too

We read a lot in the name of science. We’re basically a research institute unto ourselves. It takes fortitude, patience, and perseverance, but we do what we do for the benefit of all of human kind. When others may be wary or hesitant, you can count on a member of our team to step up and take the plunge. We MacHalos are fearless.

So when it was brought to our attention that a young woman had a rather risque experience involving a Martian ant colony, who better to investigate than one of our very own? That’s right, you heard me: A MARTIAN ANT COLONY. You may be asking yourself, “How would that work? Ants are tiny” or  saying “I had no idea there were ants on Mars!” Trust me, we had the same reaction. That is why it was absolutely necessary to get to the bottom of this. In the name of science of course.  

Violated by Monsters: The Martian Ant Colony

Violated By Monsters: The Martian Ant Colony

The story starts with McKenzie, a very smart and studious girl (as you can obviously tell from the above image) who just wants to be taken seriously in the professional world. It’s not her fault that she was blessed with a naturally fit physique and huge jugs, right? Anyway, she’s an assistant museum coordinator and they are getting ready to reveal their newest acquisition, if it weren’t for all the damn ants everywhere. Seriously people, call an exterminator. But a little pesky ant problem isn’t going to get in the way of the big reveal. Can you guess what their new prized possession is?

If you guessed Martian ants, you’d be wrong (kinda), but if you guess a Martian space rock you’d get the gold star! And not only is it an awesome space rock, it’s also one that’s composed of a very special material no one has ever seen before. And, get this, it comes with a bonus side-effect: it’s making people very, very….ehem, how shall I put this? Horny. Yes, that’s it. It’s making people horny.

After accidentally staying late at work, fantasizing about giant monsters of all things (because she’s so professional and all), McKenzie is shaken out of her daydream by a jolting rumble. Despite her now overwhelming urge to sit in her office and masturbate, she is compelled to go downstairs. She allows this undeniable pull to lead her down into the basement and to the supply closet, where it appears the door has been chewed and a tunnel now dug out leading down into the earth. This glowing tunnel beckons McKenzie to follow, and like any girl with a good head on her shoulders, she does.

I bet you know where this is going, right?

Seems like those little pesky ants from the beginning have turned into some big, horny ants just looking for someone to pierce with their throbbing ant-manhoods. Anthoods?

And this, my friend, is where the ant love train begins.

Let me share a few of my favorite lines:

“The ant’s massive cock is on display for me, a red tower of sex just beaconing for my lips to be wrapped around.”

“I glance around to see that there’s an entire circle of ants lying on their backs around me, their giant red dicks standing straight up like giant rockets towards the sky from which they came”

“They spill into my butt over and over again, using my body as a personal cum dumpster for their alien seed.”

And my favorite new term: a “sexual ant-kabob.”

So what I learned in the name of science is,

A.) It’s possible to be the perfect example of the female form with zero effort.

B.) There’s some freaky space dust or pheromones that get people wanting to get all freaky with each other and shit.

C.) Apparently ants are capable of having human-like schlongs, complete with balls and all.

D.) Well, I’ll let you figure this one out if you read the story yourself.

Look guys, this is really a public service we perform. We read this stuff so you don’t have to. Unless you want to. ‘Cause if you want to you’ll totally get no judgment from us!

stop (6)