Alien vs. Debbie: An Erotic Adventure

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This Freaky Friday edition is about a short story I read last year and is hands down one of the best alien smuts I have EVER read. First of all, look at this glorious cover:

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It’s written by someone named Emma Steele, and she doesn’t have a whole lot of titles under this name. Unfortunately. This had humor, was well-written, and just flipping ROCKED. Here is my review from Goodreads.

My name is Debbie Archer. I’m 50 feet tall and I can’t get enough of the monster peen. But being so tall, regular peen just isn’t realistic for me anymore. So I had to go and screw Godzilla, and it was AMAZING. It even activated my kundalini and my chakras got all tuned up! Then, I got sucked through a wormhole and somehow ended up regular sized again, on a ship in 1987 with… Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, and Veronica Cartwright?!?!

Debbie: To top that off, they tell me they have a mission to capture all these TV aliens in space that somehow really exist because of complicated science reasons I don’t really understand – and then they show me where they’ve got them all locked up, so of course, after I screw the humans, I end up doing the aliens! ALF was there, some reptilian from Star Trek, Mork from Mork & Mindy, the Great Magoo, and some others … but these guys made the biggest impression…

Yep, I did them both. And loved it!

He’s got a three inch peen!

See that glowing finger? Well, it’s HOT, literally, and he likes to stick it places. The perv.

Anyway, I’m insatiable, and unstoppable, just like the Sia song! You’ll have to read it for yourself to find out what happens after the Xenomorph from Aliens shoots his creature sauce all over the spaceship (hint: that shizz eats through everything but diamonds). I have to go now because I see someone – something? – else I need to have sex with! Byeeee!

Me: Thanks Debbie, I’m sure everyone will want to read your story now!

So, I’m not sure if this is some bizarre version of fan fiction?

Whatever it is, I thought it was great. This really appealed to my inner sci-fi geek, as well as being hilarious. This was actually written very well and incorporates a lot of fun sci-fi theories and fantastic satire. This may be the best monster porn/smut I’ve ever read. It was gross, but so over the top, I just laughed.

I don’t usually give monster porn five stars (or even rate it usually because, while it satisfies my bizarre and twisted cravings, they are not usually all that). But this one? This one, my friends, is how it’s done. Take notes, authors of niche erotica, because this, for what it is, is freaking BRILLIANT! Yep, I’m going there. This was hilarious and awesome!

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Until next time: stay freaky.

Freaky Friday: I F***** the Puppet

Ha! I’ve got your attention now, don’t I?  I told you last week that we would return full force this Friday with a signature MacHalo special…and I always keep my promises.

Now, we’ve read a lot of weird stuff in the past, especially when it comes to niche erotica. We aren’t scared to go where no sane person has gone before. Well, besides the author, of course (obviously that person has issues—j/k! we love you Fannie Tucker!), but you get what I mean. So when we came across this little story, we knew it was kismet. You know what  it’s like when you have a craving but you just can’t seem to put your finger on what it is but then you walk by a shop and there’s this scrumptious smell wafting out and then it hits you that you need almonds coated in cocoa and espresso powder? Well this is kinda like that. We were craving puppet porn only we didn’t realize it until this story reached out and slapped us in the face with its big, green, three fingered hand.

Let’s get to it then, shall we?

First, meet our sexually deviant kids show host, Dongo.  He loves kids, rhyming, dub-con and bondage.

 

Say hi everyone.

Next, we have our aspiring young dancer, Emily. She’s in to, well dancing, and apparently she’s REALLY in to puppets. Or rather, a puppet is about to be really in to her.

Hey Emily!

Emily is a classically trained ballerina who is currently a back-up dancer on a kids show just waiting on her big break. After a small costume malfunction and a trip to wardrobe after the show, Emily finds herself alone in the studio wearing nothing but her bra and panties. What’s a girl to do? Put some clothes on? Nah. She’s to perform Swan Lake of course.

Only, Emily is not really alone. Her good pal Dongo is lurking in the shadows and her performance has  him all worked up. Now what’s a giant puppet to do? Not be horny? Nah, silly. He’s going to make Emily his puppet for the night of course.

“Dancer girl, close your eyes! Dongo has a fun surprise!” 

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This had the benefit of being funny, but funny in that extremely bizarre way that makes you feel a little weird inside. Like “should I be laughing at this because it is pretty terrible?” kind of funny. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway. This living “puppet”, and puppet is very loose description because he’s like this 6-foot tall furry blob with googly eyes and a cavernous mouth who supposedly has strings that hold him up, takes Emily and ties her up using these same strings and tells her she’s going to like it getting oohha-ed in her hoo-ha.

“Uh-hoo! Uh-hoo! The ropes are tight! A puppet friend for me tonight!”

So yeah, we definitely have some dub con with this one, even though after that she’s just like,

“Eh, what the hell? How often do you get the chance to blow a kid’s TV show puppet?”

Too true Emily, too true.

Let me just say Dongo was so texturely unappealing. He is literally covered in shag carpet. Like everywhere, his monster dong included. The whole time reading this all I could think about was matted down fur and how weird that would feel against the tongue, not to mention other body parts. It brings a whole new light to the term “shagging.” Not to mention RUG BURN. Gross and ouch!

Here are some highlights for you:

“You dance like a magical fairy!” Dongo said, then made a clumsy attempt to put himself in attitude en point. “Between those boobs, my face I’ll bury!” (I told you he likes rhyming!)

My thighs tightened against his wide, frumpy hips, and I dug my fingers into the fur of his shoulders as pleasure exploded inside of me.

…I tasted something like candy. I glanced down and saw that Dongo’s spunk glistening in every color of the rainbow. 

There’s nothing like some iridescent splooge that tastes like candy, am I right?

If you think you might want to check it out, here’s the link. All you Kindle Unlimited members are in luck! Most of Ms. Tucker’s books are available with the subscription. And if not? Well, that’s what we’re here for: so you can be entertained by monster smut guilt free.

Until next time, you honorary MacHalo freaks!

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Have any ideas or suggestions for our next Freaky Friday post? We’d love to hear from you!

Freaky Friday: Fannie Tucker’s World of Weird Erotica

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It’s that time of the week again. Already. Did this week fly by or was it just me? Warning: adult content ahead.

Our subject for this edition is Fannie Tucker, author of such gems as:

Ms. Tucker has tackled the Jersey Devil, jungle vines, plushies, ogres, clowns, puppets, magic pebbles, werebunnies, cavemen… basically anything you can think of.

We MacHalos love her! We even created a list at Goodreads inspired by her and Chuck Tingle: The MacHalo Group’s Best Niche Erotica.

She slays it. Some of her naughty tales lean towards horror erotica and some are just hilarious.

If you’re feeling adventurous, try one of her stories out. They are very short and some are even free with Kindle Unlimited.

Fannie Tucker’s Amazon page.

Until next time, stay freaky!

7ya8izz

Martian Ants Need Love Too

We read a lot in the name of science. We’re basically a research institute unto ourselves. It takes fortitude, patience, and perseverance, but we do what we do for the benefit of all of human kind. When others may be wary or hesitant, you can count on a member of our team to step up and take the plunge. We MacHalos are fearless.

So when it was brought to our attention that a young woman had a rather risque experience involving a Martian ant colony, who better to investigate than one of our very own? That’s right, you heard me: A MARTIAN ANT COLONY. You may be asking yourself, “How would that work? Ants are tiny” or  saying “I had no idea there were ants on Mars!” Trust me, we had the same reaction. That is why it was absolutely necessary to get to the bottom of this. In the name of science of course.  

Violated by Monsters: The Martian Ant Colony

Violated By Monsters: The Martian Ant Colony

The story starts with McKenzie, a very smart and studious girl (as you can obviously tell from the above image) who just wants to be taken seriously in the professional world. It’s not her fault that she was blessed with a naturally fit physique and huge jugs, right? Anyway, she’s an assistant museum coordinator and they are getting ready to reveal their newest acquisition, if it weren’t for all the damn ants everywhere. Seriously people, call an exterminator. But a little pesky ant problem isn’t going to get in the way of the big reveal. Can you guess what their new prized possession is?

If you guessed Martian ants, you’d be wrong (kinda), but if you guess a Martian space rock you’d get the gold star! And not only is it an awesome space rock, it’s also one that’s composed of a very special material no one has ever seen before. And, get this, it comes with a bonus side-effect: it’s making people very, very….ehem, how shall I put this? Horny. Yes, that’s it. It’s making people horny.

After accidentally staying late at work, fantasizing about giant monsters of all things (because she’s so professional and all), McKenzie is shaken out of her daydream by a jolting rumble. Despite her now overwhelming urge to sit in her office and masturbate, she is compelled to go downstairs. She allows this undeniable pull to lead her down into the basement and to the supply closet, where it appears the door has been chewed and a tunnel now dug out leading down into the earth. This glowing tunnel beckons McKenzie to follow, and like any girl with a good head on her shoulders, she does.

I bet you know where this is going, right?

Seems like those little pesky ants from the beginning have turned into some big, horny ants just looking for someone to pierce with their throbbing ant-manhoods. Anthoods?

And this, my friend, is where the ant love train begins.

Let me share a few of my favorite lines:

“The ant’s massive cock is on display for me, a red tower of sex just beaconing for my lips to be wrapped around.”

“I glance around to see that there’s an entire circle of ants lying on their backs around me, their giant red dicks standing straight up like giant rockets towards the sky from which they came”

“They spill into my butt over and over again, using my body as a personal cum dumpster for their alien seed.”

And my favorite new term: a “sexual ant-kabob.”

So what I learned in the name of science is,

A.) It’s possible to be the perfect example of the female form with zero effort.

B.) There’s some freaky space dust or pheromones that get people wanting to get all freaky with each other and shit.

C.) Apparently ants are capable of having human-like schlongs, complete with balls and all.

D.) Well, I’ll let you figure this one out if you read the story yourself.

Look guys, this is really a public service we perform. We read this stuff so you don’t have to. Unless you want to. ‘Cause if you want to you’ll totally get no judgment from us!

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