Alien vs. Debbie: An Erotic Adventure

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This Freaky Friday edition is about a short story I read last year and is hands down one of the best alien smuts I have EVER read. First of all, look at this glorious cover:

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It’s written by someone named Emma Steele, and she doesn’t have a whole lot of titles under this name. Unfortunately. This had humor, was well-written, and just flipping ROCKED. Here is my review from Goodreads.

My name is Debbie Archer. I’m 50 feet tall and I can’t get enough of the monster peen. But being so tall, regular peen just isn’t realistic for me anymore. So I had to go and screw Godzilla, and it was AMAZING. It even activated my kundalini and my chakras got all tuned up! Then, I got sucked through a wormhole and somehow ended up regular sized again, on a ship in 1987 with… Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, and Veronica Cartwright?!?!

Debbie: To top that off, they tell me they have a mission to capture all these TV aliens in space that somehow really exist because of complicated science reasons I don’t really understand – and then they show me where they’ve got them all locked up, so of course, after I screw the humans, I end up doing the aliens! ALF was there, some reptilian from Star Trek, Mork from Mork & Mindy, the Great Magoo, and some others … but these guys made the biggest impression…

Yep, I did them both. And loved it!

He’s got a three inch peen!

See that glowing finger? Well, it’s HOT, literally, and he likes to stick it places. The perv.

Anyway, I’m insatiable, and unstoppable, just like the Sia song! You’ll have to read it for yourself to find out what happens after the Xenomorph from Aliens shoots his creature sauce all over the spaceship (hint: that shizz eats through everything but diamonds). I have to go now because I see someone – something? – else I need to have sex with! Byeeee!

Me: Thanks Debbie, I’m sure everyone will want to read your story now!

So, I’m not sure if this is some bizarre version of fan fiction?

Whatever it is, I thought it was great. This really appealed to my inner sci-fi geek, as well as being hilarious. This was actually written very well and incorporates a lot of fun sci-fi theories and fantastic satire. This may be the best monster porn/smut I’ve ever read. It was gross, but so over the top, I just laughed.

I don’t usually give monster porn five stars (or even rate it usually because, while it satisfies my bizarre and twisted cravings, they are not usually all that). But this one? This one, my friends, is how it’s done. Take notes, authors of niche erotica, because this, for what it is, is freaking BRILLIANT! Yep, I’m going there. This was hilarious and awesome!

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Until next time: stay freaky.

Curing My Gamophobia: Authors and Series that Deserve a Second Look

GAMOPHOBIA- the fear of commitment.

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I’m sure I’ve said this before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again: I’m REALLY  bad at series. Any series. Book, television, movie, it doesn’t matter. I have this really deep seated anxiety for some reason. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid they’ll disappoint me in the end or if I’m just worried that while reading/watching the next installment I’m missing out on something even better. I do know that it seems totally irrational, but I’m such a commitment-phobe when it comes to reading.

This is totally not a new phenomenon for me. No, unfortunately I’ve been like this since I was a kid. I stayed away from TV shows with a continuing story arc, and I didn’t read books that required you to read others in order to understand the storyline (with very few exceptions.) It drove my mom crazy. She always wanted me to read Anne McCaffrey’s Dragonriders of Pern , but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even as a teenager I knew that I would probably love it.  I mean, what’s not to love about dragons and their people who help save the world from an otherworldly menace (that is the basic premise, right?)? ‘Til this very day, I have a secret desire to pick up the first book, but at that time the very idea made my soul clench. It broke my mom’s heart it did. She just couldn’t understand why I was adamantly against starting the series. This commitment phobia is especially hard for me since almost any book produced in the literary world of fantasy and science fiction is almost guaranteed to be part of a series. And science fiction and fantasy books are my jam, people.

I’d like to say that as I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten better, but that wouldn’t be the whole truth. I still tend to read only the first, and sometimes if it was really good, the second book in a series before moving on. Something that is true, however, is that I’ve come to realize there are many authors out there who write amazing books (series), books that drag you into the world they’ve created and make you wish that you never had to leave and by my not reading those books out of some misguided (though totally involuntary) apprehension I actually will be missing out on something spectacular. To that end, I’ve made a list of a few authors who’ve made me reconsider my unwillingness to enter into a long term, committed (literary) relationship.

1. ROBIN HOBB

Now, I know that she’s been around for some time, but remember me saying I didn’t want to get involved with a serialist? Practically EVERYTHING she’s written had been in this one particular world, though it is broken up into trilogies for the most part. After much back and forth, I  finally caved and read The Assassin’s Apprentice  and friggin LOVED it (my son has now read the entirety of the first series and he also loved it!) After that first successful book, I then read Ship of Magic and surprise, surprise….another amazing book was added to my read list. She creates such a wonderful world and characters, especially the villains. Man, her villains make you want to carve their hearts out with a spoon. If you like character driven stories, you should definitely give her stuff a try. It’s SO good! I need to read them all.

2. JULIETTE MARILLIER

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I read Daughter of the Forest and was not prepared, not at all. It gave me all of the feels and is now one of my all time favorite books. I immediately read the the second in the series, Son of the Shadows and was not disappointed. Juliette Marillier’s work is like reading a fairy tale, only the type of fairy tale where not every princess is rescued by a prince and sometimes wicked stepmothers are well and truly evil. Her stories are a bit like magic, and I kind of love her for that. I need to read all of her works, or at least attempt to read them all.

3. R. Lee Smith

Once upon a time, I was just a young woman who never thought, in a million years, that she would grow to love alien romance (aka erotica.) Actually, let me clarify this, I should say human/non-human erotica. That is until I read this little (haha) book entitled The Last Hour of Gann and it changed my life. After reading this book, human/human interactions seemed so basic. There needed to be more. When you read about two people (just to keep it simple) who come together under such fantastical conditions, who, despite language and physiology, manage to find a way to look beyond and fall in love, well it’s hard to top that in the romance category y’all. All of her books feature this type of character diversity and crazy obstacles to overcome. Yes, there’s usually some violence and abhorrent behavior, and yes, some of her books could be edited down a couple hundred pages, but anyone who can suck a reader in so fully, who can make a reader fall in love with a lizard man, must be doing something right. I NEED to read everything of her’s one day. NEED to, folks.

4. MARTHA WELLS

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Last year our MacHalo GoodReads group had a TBR clean-out challenge. It had to be a book that we had added to our “Want to Read” before the start of the summer (or was it calendar year??) Anyway, that’s not important. What is important is that I happened to read Martha Well’s The Cloud Road and was totally blown away by how good it was. I loved the world she created, with the dragon people and their ways of life (though they aren’t actually called dragons). Again, this is another case of intimidation because there are quite a few books/novellas that take place in this world and she has several other series that may be worth taking a look it. Gah!!! There goes my anxiety meter! However, I think it would be totally worth it to read them if they are anything like the first book of her’s that I read. She’s made my bucket list.

5. NEAL SHUSTERMAN

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Last year I read Unwind and right then and there I vowed to continue that series. It hasn’t happened yet, of course, but that first book still stays in my mind. It had one of the most disturbing and heartbreaking scenes I’d ever read. Ever. The…and then he…then the doctor…and then it all fades to black. Thinking about it now still gives me the chills. If you haven’t read it yet and enjoy dystopian novels ( I know I still do!) you should absolutely check it out. And I should absolutely revisit my vow to read the entire series and maybe check out Scythe while I’m at it.

6. HUGH HOWEY

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I loved Wool SO much once it was finally released as an omnibus (I was aware of the serials… but again, my serial commitment hangup kept me from reading them). I tried to convince everyone I knew (in real life-this was before my book social media days) to read it. I’m not sure how many actually did end up reading it, but those who didn’t then and still haven’t now are missing out. I can honestly say it’s still one of my favorites. However, since then he has gone on the release a ton of other additions to the story. I was little confused at first and have never been totally sure in what order they should be read, but I do know that judging by my love for his first published novel that his other works deserves my attention as well. It’s going on the list.

Honorable Mentions (with specific series):

7. MICHAEL MCCLUNG with his Amra Thetys Series (the first book was really good!)

8. PIPPA DACOSTA with her The 1000 Revolution Series 

9. LINDSAY BUROKER with her Emperor’s Edge Series because Sicarius is bae. 

10. M. C. A. Hogarth and her extensive works in the Pelted Universe

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Alright, now I think I’ve said enough…for now. What authors or series will make it on your bucket lists?

Starship Grifters by Robert Kroese

I’m just going to apologize upfront:

I’m crap at writing “real” book reviews. I’m sorry. Please don’t hold that against this book that I’m about to write a really crappy review for. It’s not its fault that my way with words is not on par with the author’s or my co-bloggers for that matter. They write awesome reviews. I tend to stick to “alternative” posts because I can handle those WAY better, or at least marginally better. So again, please accept this deep, heartfelt apology for what you are about to experience (or not experience if I’ve managed to drive you away!)

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There. Now that the niceties are out of the way and you guys are aware that this book review will be only “so-so” I can proceed guilt free.

I try to keep my reading experiences fun and interesting. I have way too much going on in my real life to be brought down by a boring fantasy world, hence the reading of silly monster smut and bad alien erotica. It’s ridiculous and cheesy and sometimes just the perfect palate cleanser. So when I came across this book with my handy, dandy kindle unlimited subscription, which NEVER fails me by the way (that was sarcasm people, just in case you were wondering), I was intrigued, but also a little hesitant. I like space stuff and I like funny, but I’d never really read  a space farce before. I’ve seen them, sure. Who doesn’t love Spaceballs?

 

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If you don’t think this is comedic genius then you have no comedy in your soul my friend.

And while I didn’t necessarily expect this to be that, it was the basis for my comparison. The bar was set really, really high. So I see this book, Starship Grifters (Rex Nihilo #1) by Robert Kroese

and I just can’t look away from it. I keep coming back to it, over and over again. I mean, that cover: it screams intergalactic space romp. I love it so much! Cover love does not always equate to book love, though, as I’m sure you are all aware. These books with amazingly perfect cover art are the Trojan horses of the book world. They look like beautiful, wonderful gifts on the outside. You welcome them into your life with open arms. Come here, pretty book, come to mama. But when you look on the inside all you find is the death of your hopes and dreams, stabbed, crushed, and stomped on by the facade of an attractive face. I would have hated for that to have been this book.

Please don’t let me down, please don’t let me down….

And you know what? It absolutely did not. I LOVED this book. I literally laughed out loud reading it. I regaled my co-workers, with tears streaming down my face, with the antics of Rex Nihilo. It was so good in every way.

You see Rex is a, well, he’s a grifter. He’s not a great gambler or boss or a great person for that matter, but he can talk himself in to and out of almost anything. Rex is always looking out for numero uno and for the next big score that requires the least amount of effort on his part.  Imagine his delight when, during a card game, he manages to win (totally on the up and up, I swear *wink wink*) the ownership of not only a spaceship but also a whole friggin planet. And from a well-known and well-respected weapons merchant! It’s gotta be legit, right? This is it: his big score! Only of course, it’s not that easy and things don’t go as planned.  Rex learns the planet is mortgaged to the hilt and now, because of the unpaid debt, he has a bounty on his head. Rex and Sasha, his Self-Arresting near-Sentient Heuristic Android companion, must figure a way out of this mess before it’s too late and he ends up paying way more than he bargained for.

Along the way they amass the traditional rag-tag crew (YAS!) and you begin to realize that either Rex is the luckiest man in the whole damn universe or he’s just fucking brilliant. Or both. I’m going with both.

Guys, this book was just fun and smart and even ended with a twist I didn’t quite see coming. It’s probably going to go down as one of my favorites this year. I’m that serious. If you like funny, like nerdy funny, I highly recommend it (and if you’re an audio book person, the audio is pretty good as well!)

That’s it, my people. Crappy review out.

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The Book of the Unnamed Midwife

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Meg Elison’s 2014 debut has one of those titles that makes you think twice. At first glance, it appears maybe a bit generic, vague, clunky…? You might think you’ll be reading a lot about babies being delivered. But don’t worry! This is a legit post-apocalyptic book rather than one of those that pretends to be but is really just fiction with the apocalypse as an afterthought, set way in the background (I’m looking at you, Station Eleven).

Almost everyone catches a virus and is horribly sick. The women and children? Almost all of them die. So society falls, and women are EXTREMELY rare. What do you think is going to happen? Roving gangs of men enslave any woman they find, while other women form “hives,” where they rule like queens. Any woman who is unfortunate enough to become pregnant, either dies in childbirth, or survives, but their babies are stillborn. One hundred percent of newborn babies die. It’s not pretty.

There is a lot of violence towards women (and men) in this. There are triggers of many kinds. The book doesn’t go into graphic, prolonged detail, but it’s there.

However, I enjoyed this. Jane’s story was very interesting. She chooses to become a man because it’s safer (cross-dressing trope – yay). I won’t go into the things that happen to her, but it’s a story worth reading (if you can stomach lots of cursing and violence and people being pretty despicable). Jane is a strong female, but she also has a more, let’s say, progressive, set of morals than your average character.

The ending is hopeful. I won’t say more. It has a vague The Road vibe to it and is an easy read. It alternates between first person journal entries and third person narrative.

She starts out in the San Fransisco bay area and she spends a winter in Utah before finding a group she settles down with. The writing was a little choppy, and filled with short sentences, but it really worked for me. It definitely gets you out of your comfort zone, but I didn’t feel like it was too much.

Buddy read with the MacHalo group.

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Like Shelly, when I first saw the title I was quick to file the book under a category that was definitely not post-apocalypse, science fiction. As misleading as the title is, I actually kind of dig it. It is quiet and unpretentious.

I won’t really give a synopsis since Shelly took care of that, but I will say this:

I found being inside the head of our unnamed protagonist a pretty sad and lonely place. The choices she had to make, the way of life she had to develop to survive, it’s something I hope I never have to do. She not only had to isolate herself for safety, but in order to survive no one could actually know her. Like really know her. She had to become someone new entirely, from her mannerisms to her thought patterns, her old life fell away and she became a person caught between.

It took me aback sometimes, realizing the toll this transformation took on her mentally. But that’s part of what made this book feel genuine, not like a watered down version of the end of society, but what could happen when no holds are barred on a world truly dominated by one sex. While this played out in nearly every horrible way you can imagine, there were some end results that made me go, “Well, that’s one way to turn the power around” and I had to give a little mental ‘atta girl, even though it was still a pretty awful turn of events.

If you want to read a story that feels like it could be the real version of a world gone horribly wrong, where humanity is tested and many people fail, this is worth a shot. And while that may seem very doom and gloom, it is, but in the end it is not without a glimmer of hope.

Freaky Friday: Just Say Yes…………To Alien Romance

Good evening poppets! As part of our mission to be an oh so informative book blog, we have decided to create a Freaky theme to our Friday posts. Every Friday stop on by for a new blog about something “freaky”. Topics will range from alien romances to monster smut to dark and dirty romances. But don’t be too surprised if other weird things pop up too. If you are one of those people where these topics sound terrifying, we hope that you’ll still check out these posts. We promise to not be too judgmental, and maybe we will convince you to try something new. If you think these topics sound awesome, well then congratulations!! You have found your people. So now without further ado, I present our first Freaky Friday post.

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It is no secret that I love me some alien romances. I get a little itchy when it has been too long between series. Last weekend I was book shopping with a friend. She had the audacity to ask me, “Well, why do you read alien romance then?” I ended up giving her a very unconvincing argument. But it really got me thinking about why do I love this genre so much. Here are my top 5 legitimate reasons for loving alien romances, and why you should too.

5.) CREATIVITY– Now it is true that alien romances are extremely tropey. OKAY, they really only have two tropes. No alien women! Whether it is due to war, disease, or DNA that a 1000 years of evolution can’t fix, there is a universe full of male aliens just waiting to get laid.

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And uncontrollable Insta-Love caused by either DNA or a symbiotic being. But tropes aside, alien romance opens a whole universe of other possibilities. Authors can explore such thrilling details like cat eyes, glowing tattoos, and whether the skin should be florescent purple or soft like suede. Why settle for yet another romance set in New York City, when you could have one set on a planet where all of the plants are red? Or where 90% of the surface is water? Where plants evolved to be sentient beings? It provides a limitless number of possibilities, of dangers to be overcome.

4. SCIENCE – Okay, so either you are one of those people that find science fun, or you aren’t. But come on guys, Science is fun!!

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Or at least this kind of science is fun. If you have ever wondered about all the different ways the male anatomy could have evolved……alien romance is the genre for you. Plus it is neat learning about the different kinds of stars. Or the differences between a wormhole and a black hole. You get to learn something while getting your smut on. Why would that not interest you?

3. NERD REFERENCES – I’m currently reading a romance (not alien) and the author casually referenced two male names like I should have automatically known who they were. Alas, I did not. When I looked them up, I realized that they were on a popular but boring to me TV show. If this has ever happened to you, then most likely alien romance is for you. No other genre is going to drop casual references like the planet Hoth, daleks, or Starfleet.

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2. DISTANCE – One of the most important reasons why you should give alien romance a try is because it provides an emotional distance from the bad. Every story has to have a villain. It is easier to read and process a story about a woman who is kidnapped and sold into sex slavery if the villain is a walking basketball on a stick. It is easier to deal with the darker side of life when it is set in an obviously fictional setting. The reader can safely contemplate what s/he would do if put in that situation without realizing that it could really happen. It can be safer to face those fears when you don’t have to worry about turning on the news to see that the person down the street has been abducted by aliens.

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1. FUN – Honestly, the ultimate reason why you should just read alien romance already is because it is fun. No where else will you get to laugh as the character is molested by a massaging bed because she pushed the wrong button. Or had a furry rug in the bathroom try to clean her. Or discover that the alien food that looked like wriggling worms actually tasted like chocolate. Since this is a genre without strict rules, anything goes. Which is often a delightful way to spend a few hours.

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The best thing to ever happen to the alien romance genre is a little creation that I like to call Kindle Unlimited. This beautiful service provides an almost endless supply of alien romances. Unfortunately, a lot of it is a giant waste of time. And reading the wrong book for your first attempt in this genre could ruin the whole thing for you. To steer you on the right path, here are just a few of my favorites.

5. Dark Planet Warriors – Actually a serial, each story is less than 100 pages. So you wouldn’t have to invest a lot of time to try it out. I would highly recommend this series to someone new to the game. The story focused heavily on developing a relationship between two, and less on jumping straight into bed. I also liked that it didn’t have the “We Need Women” trope.

4. Alien Mate Index – This full length novel actually reads more like a paranormal romance than an alien romance. You can expect a fully developed story line, and relationship. This also does not have the “We Need Women” trope. But human women are rare, so in this book Zoe is kidnapped to be auctioned off to a collector. Naturally on the way to the auction there is trouble with the ship, and all kinds of shenanigans occur. The best part of the story are the nib-nibs. Zoe saves 3 adorable tiny monkey like creatures from becoming her snack, so they adore her. Her trio of pets goes everywhere with her, and add another level of depth to the story.

3. Brides of the Kindred – Written by the same author as Alien Mate Index, this is the only series on my list that has the “We Need Women” trope. I don’t mind it as much because of the science. The Kindred are considered to be genetic traders. The males are fierce warriors that basically go around the universe saving planets. In exchange, all they ask is for new DNA for their bloodline. Unlike a lot of stories, the Kindred predominantly take after the female side of their heritage. Therefore, Brothers are unrecognizable as siblings. This allows for there to be more variety throughout the series.

2. Ice Planet Barbarians – This is the most controversial part of my post. Ice Planet Barbarians is hands down the most popular alien romance currently written, and it will shock people to see that is #2 on my list. The first series I read that I truly loved, it has become the standard on which I judge all alien romances against. It is impossible to not read this series without falling in love with one of those gorgeous blue aliens.

1. Galactic Gladiators – Currently my absolute favorite alien romance series, I don’t want to post too much about this. The fifth book in the series recently came out, and I hope to write an entire post dedicated to this series once I’ve read it. But I will say that before I found alien romances, I spent a long time searching for good gladiator historical romances. I never found any that were half as good as this series. It is wonderful blend of science fiction and ancient Rome. And the best part, the women are fierce. Not one just rolls over and gives up when they discover they are stuck another planet. A few even fight regularly in games.

Well, I hope that I have convinced you to try a vastly under appreciated genre. While there are a lot of bad examples out there, there are also some really great stories. So give one of these a try the next time you are in the mood for something new. Or if you are like me, and it has been too long since you last read some alien loving.