Freaky Friday: To Eat or Not to Eat?

Some of you may have noticed that we took a small hiatus last week, but never fear! The MacHalos are back with a brand new addition (I’m channeling my inner Vanilla Ice here people so you must sing it to the tune) to our Freaky Friday collection.

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It’s funny how some of the topics we use come up in every day conversation. My daughter is in debate this semester and their impromptu debate topic was “Cats vs Dogs: Which is Better?” (or something along those lines.) She was outlining some of the arguments used, including this one used by a Korean classmate: in some cultures, like mine, dogs could be considered a food source. Now, I’m not sure if this was actually a pro-dog, like “Hey, dogs can be both food AND pets” or a pro-cat argument like “Hey, we eat dogs, but cats are superior so off-limits” or if it was not meant to be taken seriously at all, but it led to a discussion about foods that are weird-to-us. The natural conclusion was to do a freaky food topic as our Friday post. Of course, it also helped that we recently watched Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom.

So here we are! I have scoured the inter-webs looking for examples of freaky foods, and let me tell you: there’s a TON out there. Bugs, organs, you name it and someone, somewhere has eaten it. I tried to narrow it down to those that REALLY grabbed my attention, but honestly there were many, many worthy candidates.

Casu Marzo

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What is freaky about casu marzo you ask? Well, casu marzo is better known internationally as maggot cheese. Yes, you heard me: MAGGOT cheese. This is a traditional Sardinian sheep’s milk cheese that contains live insect larvae. The larvae are intentionally introduced to bring the cheese past fermentation into a decomposition stage, making it very soft. Clearing the larvae for consumption is optional, but this cheese is considered hazardous to eat if the larvae have died. Though this cheese is still made in Sardinia, it has been declared illegal in the EU.

Escamoles

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This doesn’t look that freaky, right? WRONG! Here’s another example of larval delicacy: escamoles. Served in Mexico, escamoles are ant larvae, often served pan-fried, and used mainly to fill tacos or omelets, but can be eaten alone and served with guac and chips. They are said to have a nutty flavor, but I’ll just have to take their word for it.

Balut

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Our next contender hails from the Philippines. Balut is actually a duck egg that is fertilized and allowed to develop into an embryo before being boiled (I think it may be used with other fowl as well). Once it is cooked, the egg is cracked, the liquid sipped, and then the duck embryo is eaten straight from the shell, bones, feathers, and all. It is often served from street vendors and apparently goes well with beer. Maybe something to think about for that next Super Bowl (or equivalent) party, eh?

Stink bug

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I thought about using the scientific name, but let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we? In parts of Africa, this edible species of stink bug is considered a delicacy and an important source of protein, vitamins, and micro-elements. In fact, there was a time that the U. N. encouraged the world to eat more insects, such as this particular guy. These odorous buggers can be eaten live or prepped to cook later. Um, well done please?

Guinea Pig

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I also came across many, many unusual meat choices: dog (Korea), cat (East Asia), horse (Japan), kangaroo (Australia), rattlesnake (United States), but I think the one that threw me the most was the guinea pig. I had no idea that people ate guinea pigs! Like dogs and horses, here in the US guinea pigs are cute little rodents sold in pet stores for a child to take home to love and cuddle, but in South America you can find the guinea pig as the star of the dinner table.

Holodetz

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So, we’re sorta kinda stealing this from Ilona Andrew’s Face Book page, but it was posted recently and seemed super appropriate. What we have for you is holodetz, or jellied pork. I’m sorry, jellying any type of meat seems wrong. However, not if you live in the Ukraine. There it’s apparently a specialty and a must on the New Years table. I think I’ll stick with our cabbage and black-eyed peas!

Blood Tofu

I’ve heard of blood sausage, which is also pretty gross if you stop to think about it, but blood tofu? Now, that’s a new one to me. The is literally pig’s blood heated with salt until it coagulates. You basically get a big, ole mouthful of congealed pig’s blood. Yummmm…..

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And last, but not least..

Fried Creepy Crawlies

I guess what they say is true: everything is better fried! You can get an array of creepy crawly bugs and arachnids, deep fried and crispy. I’m really only including these for aesthetics because they look so interesting. I have tried fried grasshoppers myself. They aren’t bad, actually, once you get past the legs that is…

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Okay folks, if at least one of these bizarre examples of cuisine didn’t skeeve you out then you are a stronger person than I. Is there anything that you have eaten that was just weird or freaky? If so, we’d love to hear about it!

Sam Says (1)

Until next time, ya freak loving weirdos whom we adore!

 

 

Alien vs. Debbie: An Erotic Adventure

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This Freaky Friday edition is about a short story I read last year and is hands down one of the best alien smuts I have EVER read. First of all, look at this glorious cover:

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It’s written by someone named Emma Steele, and she doesn’t have a whole lot of titles under this name. Unfortunately. This had humor, was well-written, and just flipping ROCKED. Here is my review from Goodreads.

My name is Debbie Archer. I’m 50 feet tall and I can’t get enough of the monster peen. But being so tall, regular peen just isn’t realistic for me anymore. So I had to go and screw Godzilla, and it was AMAZING. It even activated my kundalini and my chakras got all tuned up! Then, I got sucked through a wormhole and somehow ended up regular sized again, on a ship in 1987 with… Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, and Veronica Cartwright?!?!

Debbie: To top that off, they tell me they have a mission to capture all these TV aliens in space that somehow really exist because of complicated science reasons I don’t really understand – and then they show me where they’ve got them all locked up, so of course, after I screw the humans, I end up doing the aliens! ALF was there, some reptilian from Star Trek, Mork from Mork & Mindy, the Great Magoo, and some others … but these guys made the biggest impression…

Yep, I did them both. And loved it!

He’s got a three inch peen!

See that glowing finger? Well, it’s HOT, literally, and he likes to stick it places. The perv.

Anyway, I’m insatiable, and unstoppable, just like the Sia song! You’ll have to read it for yourself to find out what happens after the Xenomorph from Aliens shoots his creature sauce all over the spaceship (hint: that shizz eats through everything but diamonds). I have to go now because I see someone – something? – else I need to have sex with! Byeeee!

Me: Thanks Debbie, I’m sure everyone will want to read your story now!

So, I’m not sure if this is some bizarre version of fan fiction?

Whatever it is, I thought it was great. This really appealed to my inner sci-fi geek, as well as being hilarious. This was actually written very well and incorporates a lot of fun sci-fi theories and fantastic satire. This may be the best monster porn/smut I’ve ever read. It was gross, but so over the top, I just laughed.

I don’t usually give monster porn five stars (or even rate it usually because, while it satisfies my bizarre and twisted cravings, they are not usually all that). But this one? This one, my friends, is how it’s done. Take notes, authors of niche erotica, because this, for what it is, is freaking BRILLIANT! Yep, I’m going there. This was hilarious and awesome!

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Until next time: stay freaky.

Freaky Friday: I F***** the Puppet

Ha! I’ve got your attention now, don’t I?  I told you last week that we would return full force this Friday with a signature MacHalo special…and I always keep my promises.

Now, we’ve read a lot of weird stuff in the past, especially when it comes to niche erotica. We aren’t scared to go where no sane person has gone before. Well, besides the author, of course (obviously that person has issues—j/k! we love you Fannie Tucker!), but you get what I mean. So when we came across this little story, we knew it was kismet. You know what  it’s like when you have a craving but you just can’t seem to put your finger on what it is but then you walk by a shop and there’s this scrumptious smell wafting out and then it hits you that you need almonds coated in cocoa and espresso powder? Well this is kinda like that. We were craving puppet porn only we didn’t realize it until this story reached out and slapped us in the face with its big, green, three fingered hand.

Let’s get to it then, shall we?

First, meet our sexually deviant kids show host, Dongo.  He loves kids, rhyming, dub-con and bondage.

 

Say hi everyone.

Next, we have our aspiring young dancer, Emily. She’s in to, well dancing, and apparently she’s REALLY in to puppets. Or rather, a puppet is about to be really in to her.

Hey Emily!

Emily is a classically trained ballerina who is currently a back-up dancer on a kids show just waiting on her big break. After a small costume malfunction and a trip to wardrobe after the show, Emily finds herself alone in the studio wearing nothing but her bra and panties. What’s a girl to do? Put some clothes on? Nah. She’s to perform Swan Lake of course.

Only, Emily is not really alone. Her good pal Dongo is lurking in the shadows and her performance has  him all worked up. Now what’s a giant puppet to do? Not be horny? Nah, silly. He’s going to make Emily his puppet for the night of course.

“Dancer girl, close your eyes! Dongo has a fun surprise!” 

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This had the benefit of being funny, but funny in that extremely bizarre way that makes you feel a little weird inside. Like “should I be laughing at this because it is pretty terrible?” kind of funny. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway. This living “puppet”, and puppet is very loose description because he’s like this 6-foot tall furry blob with googly eyes and a cavernous mouth who supposedly has strings that hold him up, takes Emily and ties her up using these same strings and tells her she’s going to like it getting oohha-ed in her hoo-ha.

“Uh-hoo! Uh-hoo! The ropes are tight! A puppet friend for me tonight!”

So yeah, we definitely have some dub con with this one, even though after that she’s just like,

“Eh, what the hell? How often do you get the chance to blow a kid’s TV show puppet?”

Too true Emily, too true.

Let me just say Dongo was so texturely unappealing. He is literally covered in shag carpet. Like everywhere, his monster dong included. The whole time reading this all I could think about was matted down fur and how weird that would feel against the tongue, not to mention other body parts. It brings a whole new light to the term “shagging.” Not to mention RUG BURN. Gross and ouch!

Here are some highlights for you:

“You dance like a magical fairy!” Dongo said, then made a clumsy attempt to put himself in attitude en point. “Between those boobs, my face I’ll bury!” (I told you he likes rhyming!)

My thighs tightened against his wide, frumpy hips, and I dug my fingers into the fur of his shoulders as pleasure exploded inside of me.

…I tasted something like candy. I glanced down and saw that Dongo’s spunk glistening in every color of the rainbow. 

There’s nothing like some iridescent splooge that tastes like candy, am I right?

If you think you might want to check it out, here’s the link. All you Kindle Unlimited members are in luck! Most of Ms. Tucker’s books are available with the subscription. And if not? Well, that’s what we’re here for: so you can be entertained by monster smut guilt free.

Until next time, you honorary MacHalo freaks!

Sam Says (1)

Have any ideas or suggestions for our next Freaky Friday post? We’d love to hear from you!

Freaky Friday: Fannie Tucker’s World of Weird Erotica

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It’s that time of the week again. Already. Did this week fly by or was it just me? Warning: adult content ahead.

Our subject for this edition is Fannie Tucker, author of such gems as:

Ms. Tucker has tackled the Jersey Devil, jungle vines, plushies, ogres, clowns, puppets, magic pebbles, werebunnies, cavemen… basically anything you can think of.

We MacHalos love her! We even created a list at Goodreads inspired by her and Chuck Tingle: The MacHalo Group’s Best Niche Erotica.

She slays it. Some of her naughty tales lean towards horror erotica and some are just hilarious.

If you’re feeling adventurous, try one of her stories out. They are very short and some are even free with Kindle Unlimited.

Fannie Tucker’s Amazon page.

Until next time, stay freaky!

7ya8izz

Freaky Friday: Wait a minute…you do what?

Let’s be real here folks: most people are weird. We all have our quirks that make us different  and unique.  Basically, we can all be special snowflakes at times.

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For me, it’s that I eat popcorn one piece at a time. Like multiple bites for one piece of popcorn. You see, I eat all the crunchy, kernelly stuff first and leave the fluffy white center for last. It is so incredibly satisfying. I just never knew it was weird until this girl, who my parents made me invite over because she was bullied on my bus, pointed it out. She laughed and laughed (in a malicious way) and kept telling me how ridiculous it was. She made me feel bad and self conscious for eating something that I love in the way that I love to eat it.

Needless to say, I never invited her over again because, as it turns out, she was actually just a bitch. After that, I became very aware of my weird popcorn eating habit and it has since been pointed out multiple times as strange. But you know what? I’m okay with it. I have always eaten popcorn this way, and I will always eat popcorn this way. Suck it Nicole! So with this segment, we thought we’d showcase our wonderful weirdness, our eclectic eccentricities, our strangely special speshulness. Wear it loud and proud people!

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Shelly – so, I also eat popcorn, but I’m a “shoveler.” I just cram a handful in and go to town. But, I’m not claiming that as my weird stuff ‘cuz there are plenty of shovelers out there, right? What’s weird about me? Well, I consider my entire personality as fairly weird, but since I’m a “high-functioning weirdo,” I won’t count that either. My list of weird-ish stuff:

  • I have to sleep with the closet door shut.
  • I can’t sleep if my arm, hand, or leg is dangling off the bed. The monsters might get it unless it is fully in the “safe zone,” which is ON the bed. But, I will sleep fine if one foot is sticking out from the covers – as long as it’s ON the bed.
  • I almost forgot! No list of mine could be complete without mentioning my trypophobia.

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  • I check to make sure the doors are locked and the oven is off before bed… more than once.
  • I always pick the chalaza part of the egg out before frying them. It gives me the creeps. Irrational, I know.

Sam- Aside from the weird way I eat popcorn, I have a few other weird food related issues (plus some other things that may or may not strike you as weird.) Here it goes:

  • I can never, under any circumstances, put a piece of fat, gristle, or whatever you want to call it in my mouth. If I get a grilled chicken sandwich, you better believe that chicken is coming off the bun and going under the knife to ensure there’s no gristly grossness waiting for me. Same with a steak or pork or any other meat for that matter. That meat has to be trim before it goes in my mouth.

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  • I don’t like to eat food that I can’t see. Growing up I wouldn’t even eat chili dogs because the chili covered the hot dog. Every sandwich, wrap, whatever, gets opened and inspected.
  • The absolute most comfortable position for me to sleep in is diagonally across my bed. My husband hates it.
  • I cry watching almost anything. Seriously. We went to see the animated TMNT when it was released years ago (2007?) and my daughter could not believe that I cried watching it. Hell, I couldn’t believe it myself. However, when it comes to real life stuff I’m pretty stoic.
  • I don’t wear socks. They make my feet feel claustrophobic.
  • I’ve come to prefer non-human/human romances to the boring human/human stuff (of course, you basically can’t be in our group without this being true! it’s practically a requirement).

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Abby- Oh my god guys, I actually do several of those! Actually most of them, if you combine both lists. I obviously can’t deny that I’ve found my people. Well I guess that I must be extra weird because not only do I do most of the above, I have even more weird habits.

  • I like to save the center of baby carrots for last. I eat the outside first. Kind of like corn on the cob. I feel as though this gives me 2 carrots for 1.
  • I check the back seat of any vehicle for ax murders before getting in. Even if I sit in the back seat. It’s just instinct. Luckily, it has kept me safe so far.
  • I can’t worship the porcelain god. Doesn’t matter how drunk or sick I am. My brain starts thinking about everything else that happens there and it gets ugly real fast. I have a special lined trash can under my bathroom sink for such emergencies.
  • I have to have my volume on a multiple of 5. No matter what, if its too loud or too quiet, the dial only moves in multiples of 5. If someone else has the remote, and I see they didn’t follow my rule. I will get up and fix it. They claim it doesn’t matter because I can’t see it, but I know. I KNOW!!!
  • When I hold a drink with a label, I hold it with the label out. I’m a walking commercial. I should be getting paid for this service. I wonder who I could contact about this.

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Kira- I’m weird but hide it well. Those closest to me know. They’ve told me so. I have some of the same oddities that have already been mentioned. Some of my food habits are unusual.

  • I’m not a fan of condiments, extra toppings, flavorings etc. I like my food plain. No gravy on potatoes or turkey. Nothing but bread with my hot dog. No jelly or butter on my bread. No syrup with my pancakes. Chips have to be the regular kind.
  • Different types of food should not touch on a plate. That’s common with kids but I never grew out of it.
  • Like Abby I have to have the volume be on certain numbers. I’m slightly more flexible though. The numbers have to end on 0, 2, 4, 5, 6, or 8.
  • When I’m sleeping, dresser drawers, closet doors and the bedroom door must be closed. But if a bathroom is connected to the bedroom it can be open.

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  • I like to be covered in blankets when I sleep from head to toe except for my nose. Breathing fresh air is a must!
  • All drawers need to be closed at all times. Kitchen cupboards must be closed also. It irks me when I find them open and immediately go to shut them. I’ve come close to yelling at my kids for leaving them open. Then I remind myself that this is stupid and I shouldn’t yell at them because I’m weird.

 

That’s about it, guys. Do you share any of the same quirks and freakishness we do? Or do you have some we forgot to mention? Leave a comment and share. We really want to hear about it!

 

Freaky Friday: Freakier than Fiction

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It’s Friday again people! That’s right, it’s time to get our freak on. And in the name of keeping things interesting, I decided to poll some people (aka my teenagers). I asked them what came to mind when they heard the word “freaky.” Now, in hindsight I guess that could have gone horribly wrong (they are teenagers after all), but fortunately my daughter is on a bit of a horror kick. Horror movies, horror books, you get the drift. So for her, what came to mind immediately was the horror genre and a YouTube channel she follows, ObsoleteOddity. If you haven’t checked it out, here’s a chance for you to do just that. This channel showcases stories about real people and the crazy, fucked up stuff they did.

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From men with a predilection for necrophilia to superstitious 18th century hipsters, this channel has it all. So I asked her to list a few of the most interesting and bizarre cases. Here’s what she came up with, and let me tell you, you may want to take a shower after reading because some of this is just nasty.

  1. CARL TANZLER (1877-1952)

Have you ever had visions of young Cuban girls? Have you ever grown obsessed with those visions? Ever imagined keeping that young Cuban girl’s corpse as alive as a corpse can be? Odds are the answer, to the last question at the very least, is a resounding, “Not no, but hell no!” That is, of course, if you are anyone but Carl Tanzler, whose visions of girls supposedly came to him as a young child from one of his German ancestors.

As an adult, Carl Tanzler lived in Florida where he was a doctor who practiced radiology. It was during this time that he found Maria Elena Milagro de Hoyos as she was trying to get treatment for tuberculosis. He quickly became obsessed with her, identifying her as the woman of his visions. Before Tanzler could act on any of his feelings, however, she succumbed to her disease. But death was no obstacle for one as devoted as Tanzler, no siree. Two years after the death of young Maria, Tanzler could take the separation no longer and decided to act on his long suppressed urges. Claiming to have heard her voice calling to him from her tomb, he removed her from her grave and did his best to bring her back to “life” by reconstructing her body.  Although necrophiliac acts had yet to be proven at the time, later evidence points to that it was completely possible.

If you want to read more about this perverse case, you can find additional information here.

2. LADY LEWSON (1700-1816)

Jane Vaughn, also known as Jane Lewson, was known for her peculiarities. She found herself widowed at age 26 and was never the same again. During her long life, she managed to acquire some bizarre superstitions, superstitions that would seem odd not only today but also in the 18th century.

For example:

She only used one particular tea-cup.

She did not like the windows being washed. In fact, she forbade it out of fear that the glass would shatter.

Not only did she fear the windows being washed, she feared her body being washed with water as well. Fearing that the water would make her ill, she would only bathe with pig’s fat.

She wore clothes that were out-of-fashion before she was even born. She was a hipster before hipsters were cool.

She was so obsessed with being in good health that if anything in her house was out-of-place, she feared she would be drastically affected physically.

Who knows? Maybe she was on to something. She did manage to live to be 116 after all.

If you want to learn more about Lady Lewson and her peculiarities, make sure to check out this other post.

3. BLANCHE MONNIER (1849-1913)

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Blanche Monnier was like any other young woman in 1870’s France. She was optimistic, vivacious, and ready to fall in love and marry. As it happens, she did meet the man she wanted to spend her life with. He was an attorney, and, although he was much older and not very successful, Blanche loved him. She was eager and ready to begin this new chapter in her life. Blanche’s mother, on the other hand, was not as keen on the idea as Blanche was. It was her staunch opinion that her daughter should not marry someone of such low standards.

So, at age 25, Blanche simply vanished from the public eye. It was rumored that she may have ran off to elope with a lover. In 1901, almost a quarter of a century after her disappearance, Blanche’s true fate was discovered. The young woman had not run away and eloped with her lover, as had been speculated. Although that had been her original plan, her mother found out before it could be executed. Blanche was confined to her room until she changed her mind about marrying the lawyer. As the story goes, Blanche declared she would never change her mind, so was permanently imprisoned there. Regardless as to whether or not that part of this sad tale is true, Blanche was most assuredly locked in her room for 24 years. The care her mother gave her diminished over the years, leaving Blanche barely fed and and wasting away in her own filth.

It is not known who tipped off the police, but someone did and unfortunately it was 24 years to late. By the time she was found,  Blanche was 49 years old, weighed only 55 pounds, and was no longer mentally stable.

To read more about the tragedy of Blanche Monnier check out this site.

4. THE PAPIN SISTERS, Christine (1905-1937) Lea (1911-1982 or 2001)

The story of the Papin sisters is a gruesome one. It was a murderous case that shocked 1930s France. Christine and Lea Papin were two sisters that were aged seven years apart; despite this difference, they were extremely close. They grew up in a household with a reportedly abusive father, Gustav, and a promiscuous mother, Clemence Papin. The Papin sisters had another sister, Emilia, who was supposedly raped by her father. This caused their mother to file for divorce, not out of love for her oldest child, but out of jealousy and rage at her husband’s infidelity. She thought that Emilia had seduced her husband. To prevent this from happening again, Clemence sent Christina and Emilia to live in a convent and Lea to live with a great-uncle.

This era in the Papin sisters’ lives could be described as rather peaceful and uneventful, that is until Emilia joined the convent and became a nun. Christine wished to follow in her older sister’s footsteps, putting a damper in Clemence’s plans. You see, Clamence wanted her daughters to enter to workforce so that they could send her money. This prompted her to reclaim her remaining daughters, Christine and Lea, and bring them back home.

The Papin sisters soon became maids and worked in a series of homes, including the home of the Lancelin family. Reportedly, the Lancelins treated the Papin sisters much better than most maids were treated at that time. Although they worked 12-14 hours a day, six and half days a week, the Papin sisters were allowed warm rooms and plenty of food. Supposedly, they even called Leonie (the Matriarch of the house) “maman” and referred to their own mother as “that woman.”

Despite Leonie’s kindness, she was still their employer and expected the sisters to complete the tasks they were given. One night, the power in the house stopped working. It was something that Leonie had told the Papin sisters to fix, and with the realization that they had not, Leonie flew into a rage. Supposedly, this tirade induced the Papin sisters to murder both Leonie and her daughter, Genevieve. They slashed the two women’s faces and gouged out their eyes by hand. Rene Lancelin, the patriarch of the family, soon came home and found the home shrouded in darkness. He discovered the scene and found that the only light came from candlelight in the maid’s room. He (and some other company) found the two sisters naked together in bed.

The two sisters confessed to the crime and were found guilty. Christine was identified as the main perpetrator of the crime and many had reason to believe she manipulated young Lea. At first she was sentenced to death, but that sentence was commuted to life in a psychiatric ward. Christine begged to be with her sister, but when they allowed both she and Lea to be in close proximity, Christine jumped to her and was found whispering things of sexual nature.

Christine died in 1937 while incarcerated. Lea was sentenced to 10 years in prison but was released early due to good behavior.

If you want to know more about this gruesome pair, check out this article.

 

Sam Says (1)

What did I tell you? Necrophilia, incest, murder? This is just further proof that people can be freakier than fiction.

What would you guys like see featured in our Freaky Friday spot?

(I also want to give props to my daughter for researching and writing up the majority of the information in this post. She didn’t want me to give her any credit so shhhh, this is just between us)