Freaky Friday: Holiday “Niche” Erotica

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Last week, I posted Freaky Friday: Old St. Nick’s Gender Swap Trick, so I thought we would keep going with more holiday erotica since it is so close to Christmas. I have actually read all of these – FOR SCIENCE. You might notice a lot of Krampus titles, but that is because Krampus is awesome. I actually think there should be more holiday erotica written – the kind with Santa and elves and snowmen, etc. It kind of fits in there with the monster/living objects stuff. I bet some of you don’t even know what living object erotica is, do you? Newbs! LOL.

Here are some titles I thought I would share. They are all found at Amazon in the Kindle store.

My favorites are Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man andanything by Chuck Tingle. The Captured by Krampus one is worth a shot because his tongue reminded me of a tentacle and you can never have too much tentacles!

Some of the author names are funny alone, like Hauten Whett, Edmund Quimlove.

So, if you’re feeling adventurous and willing to do some SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, check one out. Remember, no one can see the cover if it’s on your Kindle!

Okay, so that wraps it up for now. Until next time, stay freaky.

 

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Freaky Friday: Old St. Nick’s Gender Swap Trick

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So around this time last year, I was reading a Christmas erotica called Old St. Nick’s Gender Swap Trick (Gender Swap Feminization Menage Santa Claus Krampus Christmas Festive Holiday Erotica). Wow, that is some title, huh? I like to read this silly stuff every once in awhile, and since it’s that time of year, I thought I would share part of my review. I won’t include it in its entirety here, but if you’d like to read the full review, it’s at Goodreads.

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So in this one, we have Santa who is preparing for Christmas, when he receives some homemade cookies from, who else, Krampus. Silly Santa shoves one in his piehole before his elf advisors can tell him that is probably not a good idea, and what happens?

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Santa turns into a sexy female! A sexy, horny female. It’s time for a jolly old gangbang!

This story had a good dose of the funneh, which is important to me when we’re dealing with over the top ridiculous porn/smut. There were LOTS of fluids. No hole is safe.

Miraculously, the tiny elves have huge peens.

“Nine inches long and nearly as girthy as a canned Christmas ham”

The “elf chowder” (bonus for coming up with that one) tasted like liquid candy cane, which is always a nice touch to add in Christmas porn.

Exclamations that should be used more often:

“Jingle Bells!” and “Sweet Baby Rudolph!”

The only downside is that even though Santa was kind of “tricked” into eating the cookies and becoming a woman, he was still married and therefore cheated on Mrs. Claus. According to this short story, their marriage was ruined because Mrs. Claus had surveillance set up previously in the room where the sex went down.

They ended up selling the sex tape as Holly Jolly XXXmas and it became the top-selling porn of all time.

I mean, I thought it was funny.

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Well, that’s it for this time. Stay Freaky and have a happy Christmas and merry New Year and all that.

We’ll be doing some yearly wrap ups soon and blog about our favorite books and movies, etc. Hard to believe 2017 is almost over! It flew by!

Laters!

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Top Ten Tuesday: Unique Creepy Book Titles

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Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by The Broke and the Bookish. This week’s top ten is about unique book titles. Since Halloween is coming up, I picked unique titles that are scary or creepy sounding. Just because I selected these does not mean that they are good books nor do I recommend them. Although the titles may sound like horror, most are not. This is all about the titles only.

The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

This Book is Full of Spiders by David Wong

Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You by Matthew Inman

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan

The Sweet Scent of Blood by Suzanne McLeod

When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

Fifteen Days Without a Head by Dave Cousins

Where Good Girls Go to Die by Holly Renee

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Halloween Scary Movies – Cult Classic Style!

The wonderfully awesome Abby recently posted a blog called Top 10 Tuesday: Halloween Movies for the Faint of Heart. So I decided I just had to post my own version, but cult classic style. These movies are at times gross, cheesy, maybe a little scary still, and 100% classics! They are not literally Halloween movies, but a fun list to watch during this month and any other if you can stomach watching horror movies that might not have aged so well (and some that have). Some are more obscure than others. But all, in my view, are worthy to land a spot on any Best Of list like mine.

10. Parents

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This is a quirky horror film that slices up a chunk of meat long pig style. I haven’t watched it in ages, but remember it being creepy and gross, yet wildly entertaining. It’s out there and very over the top.

9. Motel Hell

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Here is another movie I haven’t watched in forever, but this movie seriously creeped me out. That garden scene, though. Another gross, over the top cult classic. You should watch it if you haven’t already. These two are real pieces of shit work.

8. Children of the Corn

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One look at that face still gives me nightmares. I remember being so freaked out by this movie. Truly scary. “Outlander!”

7. Nightmare on Elm St.

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I remember being so scared of this movie when I was younger that I was afraid to go to the bathroom by myself. Now, it seems campy, but at the time, this was Grade-A, top shelf horror, folks! lol. Remember Johnny Depp’s role when he gets sucked through the bed?

6. Hellraiser

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Another seriously scary movie for me. Pinhead was so creepy. Even though it was scary, there was something really unique and mesmerizing about it, in my view.

5. Nightbreed

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Another Clive Barker movie that I loved. Again, it was creative and weird and strangely compelling. For a horror movie. I highly recommend this one.

4. Scream

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This movie sort of changed everything. It was a mashup of all the horror tropes and starred like every single “hot” actor/actress of the moment. The story was good, it was funny, tongue in cheek, and just checked all the boxes.

3. Evil Dead 2

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One of the best. I kind of pretend the first movie never happened because this one was so good. (Although the first one terrified me as a teen.) Bruce Campbell just owns this like a boss. I love him. Making chainsaw hands look like they could be a cool accessory for any time of the year.

2. Fright Night

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This movie was a huge influence in my life and I even mentioned it in a previous blog, For the Love of Vampires! Chris Sarandon was so swoon-worthy as bad guy vampire, Jerry Dandridge. He was one of my first hardcore teen crushes. I mean, you can’t see it here from the gif, but I thought he was attractive, anyway. LOL

1. Lost Boys

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This was the first rated-R movie I saw in the theater. It changed my life. I crushed hardcore on every single actor in the movie! Kiefer Sutherland as villainous David, Jason Patric as Michael and even Corey Haim, the younger brother who has to  enlist Corey Feldman to help save his big brother. It’s just one of my all-time favorites and even had a good soundtrack!

Honorable mentions: Near Dark (another vampire movie, are you surprised), Maximum Overdrive, Event Horizon, and They Live.

Okay, that is my list. I noticed most of these are from the 80s, and that was when music and film really started to influence me (yes, I’m old). So I guess it makes sense that my choices would be from that time period. Have you seen any of these? Which are your favorites? Which would you like to see?

Until next time!

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Freaky Friday: Creamed by the Cave Monsters (4 stars!)

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For this edition of Freaky Friday, we bring you an oldie, but goodie review from Goodreads. The short story is a weird, horror erotica piece that I liked, but not many other people seemed to. What else is new?

The Review:

Ok, 4 stars, I know I know. What is going on? But this was actually hilarious! Yeah, it’s smutty sex with cave creatures that look a little like this (only maybe not as mean):

But it actually has a plot and turns into a sort of weird horror story. Think “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” pregnancy scene only Edward is not there to cut the baby out with his teeth.

I can’t help it. This had tons of innuendo and funny and I never see these types of things go into a bizarre plot twist like this. It totally worked for me! HAHA

Recap: Some chick (her name isn’t important) goes spelunking by herself (of course) for college. She gets stuck in a dark cave and suddenly some creatures start banging her. She escapes the cave after they have had their way with her and kick her out (seriously, they kicked the biotch out and didn’t even help clean her up or anything). She goes back to college and SPOILER ALERT!

…ends up being pregnant with cave monster spawn, gives a presentation, and the baby comes clawing out of her womb. She lives. The End.

Brilliant! BAHAHA. Ok, maybe not brilliant. But a fun read. It’s very short and was free. I heard about it from Kelly and Dan, who were buddy reading it. So the MacHalo group, since we love stuff like this, decided to read it too.

End review.

My fellow bloggers Sam and Abby were not impressed. What can I say? I like the weird.

Until next time, stay freaky.

7ya8izz

 

Freaky Friday: Did you know….

So, I haven’t done a post in like a month or more. I know, I suck. I’m sorry.

But in my defense, not only did classes start back in August (for those who don’t know, I work full-time, go to school full-time, and must also parent full-time… that’s a lot of full-time shit going on right there), but we also just completed the 8th, yes 8th, audit of the year. Always a stressful time. Always. Anyhoo, to add to that, now that it’s all said and done, I am beginning to train with our Quality Assurance Manager so that I can take his place when he retires next year. Got lots of stuff going on right now. Maybe too much lol.

I am going to try to get my balance back, I swear, so that I can at least contribute a few times a month to our awesome blog. And one of my most favorite things EH-VAH is our Freaky Friday spots. We have, dare I say it, too much fun reading some of the freaky shit we read and researching some of the crazy stuff we post about (maggot cheese? I mean come on…we can’t make this stuff up) that I couldn’t let another Friday go by without participating. But, not only have I not written a blog post, I have also not read a damn thing. Makes it hard to write a post about a book. Details, details, I know. My suckage meter is still pinging out a little. But in the spirit of Freaky Friday, I’m going to let you guys in on some weird tid-bits that you may or may not already know and that you may or may not find interesting. Here it goes….

(Nic Cage is always suitable for Freaky Friday)

Did you know….

that condoms were made of linen once upon a time?  Also, horns. Actual horns. Really? I thought the linen was bad enough, but my poor vagina closes up just thinking about horns going anywhere near it. Read more on the history of condoms here.

that there is a whale who has been searching for a mate for over two decades? Apparently, his call is at a much higher frequency than others of his kind so that no whale ever responds. He’s been called the World’s Loneliest Whale. How’s that for heartbreaking? Read more about 52 (the whale) here.

that a lot of lipsticks are made using fish scales? It gives it a shimmery look. I must say, it gives a new meaning to “fish lips.” Read more here if you don’t take my word for it.

that the Roman’s found all sorts of uses for urine, including whitening their teeth? Well, I sure didn’t, but now I do. I wonder if you can add mint to that? Hmmm….You can find more here about the other uses the Romans found for urine…

that when a male honey bee mates with a queen, he ejaculates so explosively it basically blows his penis off inside the queen, then he falls to ground and dies? That better have been one hell of a bee-gasm. Just sayin. If you want to know more, check it out here.

that while a bee’s penis basically kills him, a dragonfly can use its penis to remove the ejaculate of another dragonfly from his mate? He won’t be needing Maury Povich to give him his result. Find out all you need to know about dragonfly mating and peen here.

that there is a rare condition called diphallia in which a man is born with not one, but TWO penises? Now, usually only one is functional and the other is removed, but there is a guy who goes by “DoubleDickDude” who claims to have two fully functional penises. What???? (apparently I am on a penis kick….huh.) Read more about this guy here.

(since I am still on the subject of penises and bugs), that formicophilia is the fetish for having bugs crawl on your genitals? Like, how does that even become a thing? Check out the Wiki page here to read more.

that a Polish brewery makes beer using the vaginal yeast of Czech model Alexandra Brendlov? Yeah, me neither. You’re welcome. If you don’t think this is real (like I did at first) check it out here.

that a Canadian radio station bought Britney Spear’s alleged used pregnancy test and then sold it for $5,001? Crazy. But it’s Britney, so I get it….kind if.

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Alright, I’m going it end it there folks. I know I certainly learned more about bug peens than I originally intended, but that’s just one of the hazards (and joys) of Freaky Friday.

Keep it weird!

Sam Says (1)

Freaky Friday: To Fetish or Not to Fetish?

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In-between our weird Freaky Friday book reviews for strange erotica/smut, we try and shake things up by doing blogs about other “freaky” things. We did the doppelganger blog and the recent obscure (and gross) blog about freaky foods. Now, we briefly turn our focus to fetishes. Don’t be afraid now. Go to your special place, light a candle, say your safe word, and here we go…

We’ll go easy on you with the first one.

Dendrophilia: Sexual attraction to trees. Now, some of the information you find online about these things show real pictures of people and we don’t want to be… insensitive… to people’s personal choices. Ahem. So, I think this gif is safe to share to demonstrate what we are talking about here.

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Yes, some people have a real, sexual attraction to trees and take “tree-hugging” to a new extreme.

Autonepiophilia: Sexual fetish that involves role-playing as an infant. The focus is especially on wearing diapers and appears to usually involve women acting as the dominant “mother” figure and men as the infant.

I think this couple has “come out” publicly with this lifestyle, so here is an example:

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Oh dear. If you would like further details on this fetish, here you go.

Mechaphilia: A sexual attraction to cars or other vehicles. Here is a public story about a man who claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars.

“I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love,” he said.

 

“Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful.

 

“I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”

 

He added: “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”

Hey, whatever fires your engine up. As long as you aren’t hurting anybody.

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Knismolagnia: An arousal to being tickled. Me, I’ll punch someone if they tickle me. It’s involuntary. I just have to get away from the tickling. I can’t imagine physically being able to sit still long enough to breathe, let alone get off on this. But it’s a thing.

Actirasty: Getting turned on by the sun’s rays.

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This is a new one to me. How does this even work? This article might give you a few ideas (no graphic material, I promise, although there is a “pup play” article near the bottom of the page).

Okay, I think I’ve had enough and freaked myself out a-plenty for this week. We plan to do a Part Two sometime soon involving fetishes that people choose to partake in rather than feel compelled to – with book suggestions to accompany them as well!

Until next time, stay freaky, but maybe not TOO freaky, eh?

7ya8izz